Christmas Eve

  Good visit with Rita and the Linna family today.  He slept through the visit, but it was nice to commiserate about baby stories.  Good times.  It is fun to see friends and family in a smaller, more relaxed setting.

Hah

     HAH

I know at this time my memory is short sided and I take this experience for granted.  I have waited so long for this experience and it is flying by dictated by his eating and sleeping schedule.  I just love him and wanted to reflect on how harrowing his experience was and how we came out the other side with an overall healthy baby.  He really makes a world of difference.  I cannot imagine a different outcome.  Watching The Undertaking on PBS about a Michigan undertaker's life, they buried a 24 month old child with a congenital syndrome.  I cannot imagine the nightmare of living through that.  I plan on my angel being around for longer than I am.  I just want to take care of him and come up with a plan to make that happen.

  Trying to eat dairy to get my fats for Adam's brain development was a mistake.  Immediately, within 2 days of eating dairy, I have thick mucous drainage from my sinuses and I have trouble clearing my throat.  My digestive system is also already effected.  I plan to switch tact and go with daily almond butter, almond milk, olive oil, avocado and the like.  This just means I need to go shopping for the right goods.  He's sleeping right now so I'm going to take advantage.  Time to hit the pillow.

A New Day

  After a frantic and erratic night yesterday night, last night was a complete change.  I cannot predict this child yet.  As long as I hold him, he will sleep.  He has a sensor that tells him when he's not being held and he wakes up screaming.  So crazy.  They must have that as a reflex.  I was able to get him to sleep well last night, but I cannot sleep while holding him.  He has done as well as he could to be calm last night.  I'll take holding him calmly all night rather than frantically unhappy any day.

  His babble and noises are progressing.  They are getting louder and more frequent.  It is amazing how fast they grow.  He loves listening to and looking at his daddy as he does not get to see him as often.  He is a pro at kicking off his blankets now.  He does not cry because he is cold after the fact, but I lose sleep over it.  He needs to be warm in this cold winter.  It is swing time.  Hopefully more sleep in his bed and more for me too.  He sounds like he is working on filling his diaper.  Time to rescue him before I need to give him a bath.

Night Owl

Rough night

  Last night was a particularly rough night.  I was up with Adam from 10:30 PM until 11:30 AM this morning.  I ended up getting an on and off 3 hours of sleep again.  When truly exhausted it was not safe to walk anymore.  I just sat and tended to him until I finally got him to nod off.  Eating every 1.5-2  hrs with diaper changes in between as he was alert and wanted to play otherwise.  There was no swing lullaby last night.  When I finally slept, I still had to get up to tend to him.

  Lack of sleep really messes with my memory and ability to function.  I cannot sit down and concentrate to read anything.  I slump while sitting.  I forget where I put something or did something.  I write notes of to-do, but I have done nothing on the list.  I am on a subsistence existence right now.  Eat, sleep, laundry, shower, and brush teeth.  I have no energy to exercise let alone go out into public.  I want to visit with people, but while sleep is so elusive, I cannot make it happen.  I think when Tony gets home, oh, I'll just lay down for an hour and get up to go out.  Then he lets me sleep and I sleep until Adam needs to eat.  Then we miss out on whatever function we were to attend.

  He has taken to rolling during diaper changes.  He loves tummy time and was on the move today.  He is on the verge, but I know it will still take time.  He is a seemingly restless sleeper who makes noises, raspberries, trumpeting and is moving his arms and legs squirming with his eyes closed.  He is not getting enough lipids in his diet and I am working on getting him more in his diet.  I now respond to his crying as a reflex.  He kicks off his blanket if he falls asleep in his swing and wakes up wanting attention.  He loves looking at paintings and mirrors.  He now engages us with is eyes.  He wakes up to Tony's voice, inconvenient if I just got him to sleep.  He stares at me when I eat, just studying what I am doing.  He responds to the hair dryer sound and listens to music while awake.  He loves to be held to sleep, but not so much when awake. He wants to play and have to freedom of movement rather than being held while awake.

  I woke from a dream and did not know where I was, what job I do, if I had a family let alone that I just had a baby.  I now lay down my head and once warm, in about 5 minutes, I am sleeping hard.  I now wake after 2-3 hours.  I do not sleep longer than that and I wake up on my own.  My internal clock is already accustomed to Adam's schedule.  I wish he let me sleep when he did.  He does not have to scream when he needs his diaper changed when sleeping every time.  He will just start fussing and I know if I do not reach him and change him while his eyes are closed in time, he will give me a full body awakening frantic scream.  It is best to be pre-emptive and try to read his cues than wait until he is fully awake.  Duty calls, gotta go.

The Magic Number 3

  I got 3 hours sleep last night before "waking up" and celebrating Christmas.  Today I got 3 hours sleep as well.  Now, Adam is usually wide awake is fussing and needs to be held.  He will not let me lay him down, but will not stay happily in my arms either.  I think he was too stimulated today and is exhausted, it is my only guess.  He slept for a long time today, 4 hours straight during dinner time.  Unfortunately, this is the time I decided to eat dinner, shower, call people for Christmas, etc. I did not get to take advantage of this fluke event.  Oh well.

  It was a good Christmas, some snow on the ground.  Tomorrow is supposed to be 39 degrees.  That will be odd.  I plan on avoiding after Christmas sales, despite wanting discount Christmas cards.  I remember going to Kmart after sales and getting cards 75-90% off.  That was great.  The good ol' days.  I wish I could go shopping, but I cannot afford it anyway.  Why waste my time.

Cousins: Lizzie

Christmas Adam

At Grandparents house for Christmas

First Night Out On The Town

  Tonight, Adam got to go to dinner with friends outside the house.  We all went to Carmelitas with some old high school friends of Tony's.  He liked the road trip there.  We ended up spending 25 minutes in the bathroom for a diaper change, feeding, spitting up and clothing change.  He was happy to look around and hang out for a while, then became hyper because he was too hyper-stimulated.  He liked the car ride home and then had to eat again before taking a cat nap.  What a sweet boy.

  It was nice to talk to someone who is newly pregnant fresh after my experiencing it.  I can totally relate.  I have little in the way of recommendations because everyone's preferences are so different, but I can commiserate none-the-less.  It was just enough to tucker him out.  He's actually sleeping right now, which is unusual.  I'm going to lay down too.  We have plans for more visiting today.  Hopefully his schedule will cooperate.

  He has such restless/movement filled sleep it is hard to tell if he's really sleeping sometimes.  He has changed so much over the last few weeks.  Amazing how alert and how much attention he pays to us now.  He seeks us out with is eyes and cues into our voices.  He loves to look at lights and colorful objects, like paintings.  He has done alright if burped after each feeding so his gastric reflux is not that bad at this point.  He really is a light in my life.  He was meant to be our son.  He is so much of a Sarazin looking boy that he must contribute to the family in some way in the future.  A great boy to follow behind the great men he resembles.

He just got the puppies to use today for comfort on his sensitive skin. Sweetie

Nice coverage when it is 19 degrees out. Cozy warm

  My sister may book tickets to come and visit!  We are so close to getting her here (big smile).  That would be so great.  She could cook, clean, feed him, play with him and experience the copper country a little bit.  So fun!  Fingers crossed again.  Tomorrow we are meeting family and friends to hang out and then it is Christmas Eve!  I'm glad I got my presents wrapped last night in his marathon awake time.  Sweet dreams all!

  So I slept on and off all day long as he was bright eyed and bushy tailed all night long.  We did get a prescription cream to apply for his rash, which I applied all over him and he did not mind one bit.  What a trooper.  He smiled at me while awake for the first time last night.  So precious.  He was so awake and ready to play.  He is thrashing about with arms and legs flailing, getting ready to be on the move in the near future.  He only fits 3-6 month clothes now, so he feels he's grown up enough to make decisions, i.e. the picture.  He is so sweet.  I am glad I got some sleep.  Now I can get the paperwork done I was supposed to, wrap presents and clean tonight.  I know he will be up all night again, so I might as well prepare.

  I look forward to seeing a bunch of friends and family that are in town for Christmas.  I hope none of us get sick.  Adam responded very well to the cream and his rash is diminished today.  I am hoping using different detergent, avoiding eating chocolate, oranges, peanuts, strawberries, dairy and eggs and using the cream for 1 week will clear him right up.  He is trying to talk and coos all the time.  I love when he responds to me when I am talking to him like he is answering me.  Love it.  He still wakes out of a dead sleep and screams when he is ready to be attended to, but that is his mode of communication and it is cute despite the blood curdle to it.

  I cannot believe it is Christmas this weekend.  I am so unprepared.  I have not gone grocery shopping, not shopped at all really.  It does not feel right.  I know it will be a blur.  He is so set on his schedule I cannot imagine what it will be like to try to get him over to the in-laws house for a day of hanging out.  I am going to have to just cover with a blanket to feed him otherwise we might as well just go home because he will be eating or sleeping for the whole day.Not much in the way of presents this year.  I was hoping to go without completely, but sparse is a good start to just enjoying the season without presents.  I am so thankful for this baby Adam.  I look forward to having the energy and time to exercise.  I think my body will really appreciate it.

  Time to eat dinner as Adam is enjoying the swing right now.  Love that he is big enough to enjoy it.  I cannot believe just 2 weeks ago he was too small and now he's a whopper thick boy.  What a sweetie.  Love my guys!  Merry Christmas.  I dream of walking around and looking at everyone's Christmas lights in Arizona.  I should make my sister go and live vicariously through her.  Hah.  Maybe she can take some pictures for me.  Nice.

Poor Guy

  The Dr said he likely has contact dermatitis and an allergy (eggs?).  Also likely gastric reflux. He would not sleep without being held today. He might be getting sick.  He smells so good, like heaven.  He was up all night and slept all day again, but we had appointments to attend so no sleep for me.  I just ate dinner and he is due to eat soon.

  I have to wrap presents, to clean and take recyclables back. Not sure that will get done.  Cards are all done though. I went to the Atlas Center Chiropractic to see if they can help me feel better. I am pretty racked up. Adam weighs 12 lbs. 7 oz. today. He has 2-3 big diapers a day since Dec. 10th when he did not go for 24 hours.  Now I know he gained 2 lbs. in 2 weeks, I would call that a growth spurt. Big boy is so sweet.  Tomorrow is paperwork day. hope to get it done, fingers crossed!

He sleeps despite the daylight falling on him.

Ugh

  The beeping was a fire alarm battery dying in the attic.  Not the usual just one beep but multiple beeps that threw me off.  At least we figured it out.  I thought I was going crazy.

  Ugh, I've gotten 2 hrs and 3 hrs of sleep respectively the last 2 days.  I can only sleep for 20-30 min

and he wakes for something or is wide awake and wants to be entertained.  He just had a poopsplosion

that I had to give him a bath for.  It was everywhere in the diaper.  Whew.  Good thing he loves baths.

I'm going to lay down right now.  Adam has a Dr. appt in the morning for the rash that is covering 2/3

of his body.  Tony's dad says it could be fungal or allergic.  The test for fungal is ~3 weeks and allergic

is very difficult to determine.  I'm avoiding certain foods and washing all clothes, even mine, in dreft.

Poor guy.  The rash doesn't seem to bother him, but it has worsened through time.  He's also developed

an asthmatic sounding dry, unproductive cough the last week too.  To me it has to be allergy to something,

problem is, some of his clothes were from garage sales and I do not know what detergent or allergens

(like cats) were in their homes.  Someone's hungry again.  

Alarm

  I just heard some sort of alarm wake me up out of a dead sleep.  It stopped going off so I waited for it to go off again to see if I was dreaming.  It went off again, but I could not pinpoint if it was upstairs or downstairs.  Now I'm wasting my potential sleeping time waiting for it to go off again to see if it is the carbon monoxide alarm or something else.  I cannot imagine an alarm that goes off then stops.  If it does not go off in the next 20 min, I'm going back upstairs to listen for it up there.

  Poor Adam and his rash.  Should I take him into the doctor again?  Even after she said it is a benign rash already?  It has spread and worsened again.  He does not seem bothered by it, but it looks terrible and has to be stressing his body and immune system.  If it is caused by an allergy, how do I tell what is causing it?  Food allergy?  Contact dermatitis? Ugh.  I know everyone wants to say, "Oh, it's alright.  Babies just get that sometimes." but this is freaking me out.  I have no way to treat it or distinguish if it is an allergy.  There are too many variables (eggs, nuts, dairy, laundry detergents, mold, dust, dry air, pollen, strawberries, formula, etc.). I wish I could help him.  He has a dry cough that just started today also.  It freaked me out as it sounded like he couldn't breath and he went on coughing for a while.  I gave him something to drink right away for him to swallow, but I do not know where that came from either?  Hmm...

  Good office party last night, all considered.  Friendly as can be and not confrontational, emotional or uncomfortable.  I am in such a better place with those people.  Whether they know it or not, I am better that I ever was before.  I now just have other focus and perspective in life.  I am not eating or drinking enough and an all appetizer party really does not help anything.  I am trying some organic milk maid tea my acupuncturist graciously dropped off for me.  What a sweet woman and gift.  I hope it works.

  I am not in the Christmas mood this year at all!  It is only days away and I have bought a sum total of zero presents for anyone in my family.  I am going sparse this year as the medical bills roll in.  I am so tired and off of my brain capacity that I cannot focus to get things done.  I just want to enjoy my baby and not have to worry about other obligations.  I hope he does not get sick from anything he was exposed to tonight.  That would be worse.
 
  I am to look for plane tickets for my sister to visit next month.  It would be great if she can, but I'm not holding my breath because her plans change more often than my Facebook status changes.  It would be great to see her.  She loves babies.  She could help clean, cook and babysit.  We have a spare room that can be cleared out, but I won't waste  my time clearing it out until she is committed because I have bigger fish to fry.  That would be fun.

  No alarm yet.  I'm heading upstairs to see if it goes off again.  My low back  hurts so bad from changing Adam and picking him up from the pack n play, I need to make other arrangements.  I will call my acupuncturist tomorrow to see when I can get treated, but likely it will be the end of January at the earliest to get an appt.  Fingers crossed.  G'night (I hope).

Swing Fun

  He fell asleep in the swing for the first time last night!  So precious and so wonderful he could be calmed and happy.  He is heavier now and weighs down the swing so it does not go too fast anymore.  He looks big in it, but they specs say up to 25 lbs.  I do not feel I can leave him in there for long go to sleep myself while he is swinging, but while I am awake I can at least eat hands free.  I see this being great for our future.  Yay.

  We watched the Nutcracker on PBS last night live from Lincoln center in New York City.  Tony looked up tickets.  The cheapest, on a Wednesday night, were ~$300.  The prime seats were $942.  We got to watch it live without flying there, getting a hotel, traveling in the cold, sitting with the public, risking bed bugs and illness.  We were warm, at home, together, not having to dress up and still got to enjoy a ballet that we love.  I especially love the costumes.  Of course the ballerinas were superb as they are in the biggest city there is for culture.  I enjoyed it.  The ballet was re-aired later in the night so I got a repeat opportunity to enjoy it again.  Sweet. I miss going to the Nutcracker in Detroit when Tony and I were dating.  It was so much fun.

  What a yucky rainy day.  I do not know if the streets are slick out there, but they do not look good from in here.  Happy to be warm and dry.  Uh, oh.  Duty calls.

New Day

  He fell asleep in the swing for the first time today!  He's been nodding off and waking in it for the past 45 minutes.  He looks so peaceful!

From Today

  He filled his diaper without any intervention today!! I hope this continues or improves more than how it is now.  I want a happy guy.  I think he must be going through a growth spurt as he's ravenous often and has wet diapers frequently.  I have not weighed him so I am not sure.  His baby acne or rash has worsened to cover 75% of his head, the back of his neck, 1/4 of his front torso including his shoulders, 2/3 of his upper arms, more spaced out the entirety of his back, on his eye lids, and ear lobes.  Poor guy doesn't seem to mind it.  We bathe him and do not try to dry out his skin or over-heat him.  I am constantly taking his temperature to see if he's hot and he has only been hot 2 times.  I do not know.  We are trying to keep him in cotton, though those fleece sleep sacks are so convenient and warm.  I just love them.  He had the rash before I started using the sleep sacks though.  The severity of the rash changes daily.  His face improved today and I saw on his back, during tummy time today, that it had worsened.  Time will tell.

  He has been waking to eat every 1.5 - 2 hrs every night. The rocker recliner is luckily pretty comfy to sleep in and I get the bed when Tony is at work.  Time flies during the day!  I finally put away the laundry and now we start the cycle over again.  Such a sweet boy.  He really pays attention to Tony when he is home.  He watches him and likes to snuggle.

I wonder what he's thinking?!

It Worked

  A tip that we used worked to fill his diaper, amazingly a lot, twice yesterday. Now he's working toward being regular again, but without knowing the cause, I'm not sure what will happen. He seems happy and hungry enough. No shortage of liquids or eating though.  Sleeping in 2-3 hr intervals and has needed to be held or entertained at all times while awake. Good thing he's so sweet.

  Caught an episode of 1 Born Every Minute on Lifetime and I feel it is too soon.  I am too emotional to watch. Everything is still so raw.  Even with this sweet boy in my arms.  I'll never forget.

  We took our Christmas card picture last night.  It gave me forced perspective. Adam looks so big while I hold him but he is so tiny in pictures with us holding him.  The one hour photo was broken when Tony went to pick up our prints. I hope it is fixed today, but who knows.  It is a delayed Christmas this year, and so it goes.

Tony & Adam, my guys

  Love the sneaker sox!

No Fun

  Poor guy is grunting, straining, red in the face and crying with only noise and sound as a result.  He may be going through a growth spurt, but going from every diaper change to none for 7 diaper changes since yesterday at 10 PM until 4 PM now without anything but a speck is upsetting.  He has been spitting up also, 7 times 2 days ago, 4 times yesterday and none yet today.  Only one "bigger" spit up.   Mostly it is just a mouthful amount.  Something has changed for sure.  If it is a growth spurt I wonder how long something like this lasts.  It could be too much formula, but he has only had 2.5 x 2 oz bottles in the last 24 hours.  Is it because I was dehydrated yesterday and that dehydrated him?  Ugh.

  On a positive note, he smiled while awake for the first time today.  I was sleeping :( but Tony got to see it.  We opened up all the shades to indicate that it is daytime right now.  He was awake for quite a while today.  Maybe he will sleep longer now.  I spent the night in the rocker recliner holding him, etc.  I slept in 20 minute intervals which was not as fun as the hours together I had yesterday.  I again went 14 hours without food and only a small amount of water.

  Cleaning and drying the clothes is the easy part.  It is the taking them from downstairs and putting them away is the hard part.  Tony made some great smelling peanut butter oatmeal cookies, but I am avoiding peanuts for the allergen potential.  The vibrating chair Adam actually liked sitting in it while Tony rocked him and looked at him.  He does not like it when I try getting him to sit in it.  Ah, the magic of dad versus mom.  He's not happily sleeping fetal position style on dad.  That position has to cause his legs to go numb and to slow bowel movements because he is so compacted because as soon as he is straightened out he calms down if riled up out of a dead sleep.

Adam 1 Month old

  We should take our Christmas family picture today.  We will see.

Things That Are True Today

1 Month old Adam

  Things that are true:

Adam gazing at the Christmas tree lights, he loves it

• Love fleece sleep sacks for the winter
• I am willing to compromise my "plan" for comfort and sleep
• Pampers are better than Huggies
• When I get sleep my memory works much better
• Stretching is vital to life
• There are many things I do not miss about life before being a mom, that said, I know things will change with time
• I love Christmas lights, I love watching Adam gaze at Christmas lights more than doing so by myself
• I miss quality time with my husband
• This winter is going to fly by, Adam is already 1 month old!  I feel like it's been a lifetime in a few weeks
• I prefer sleep over eating
• I want Adam to sleep longer, but I do not want him to grow up so fast
• I cannot wait to take Adam for walks along Portage canal and Lake Superior
• I miss singing Christmas carols walking along the streets of Tucson
• I miss seeing the Christmas lights displays in Tucson
• I miss my family
• My blood pressure is getting better, but is not "normal" for me yet
• Tony is a life saver, he let me sleep for 6 hours today.  That said, I had not eaten in 19 hours and the last food I had was cake.  I woke up with low blood sugar and was very dehydrated.  I could barely stand up and was very dizzy.  I will not do that again.
• Most everything can wait.
• Bills will not pay themselves
• I love taking pictures.
• I love taking our posed Christmas picture every year.
• A Medela pump is a God send
• I miss Adam when I sleep
• I just want to squeeze Adam, but I have to wait until he gets bigger to do so
• Adam is so precious
• Being a mom is more than words can express
• I am going to the "office" Christmas party this year (scrw um)
• I am not leaving this house this winter unless I have to, I am content being a home body
• I do not want Adam to get sick with a cold or the flu this winter
• I want to take our family to the Harry Potter theme park someday
• I want to check if Adam is breathing all the time, but I can let him sleep in the other room with a monitor without getting up and checking him all the time
• I love walking along the beach, finding beach glass and skipping stones
• Adam looks so big when I am holding him in my arms, but so Tiny when someone else is holding him
• I have lost 75% of the weight I gained for pregnancy and I know the last bit will be the dickens to get off of me
• My scar is itchy, numb and painful at various times and all at once
• No one should go through parenthood alone
• Fiber is a girl's best friend after a C-section (prune juice & bananas)
• I love my new Canon camera!  I highly recommend it
• The Happiest Baby on the Block CD works like a charm!  LOVE it
• Adam likes fleece blankets because when you lay them on him they are not cold and do not take time to warm up like cotton
• I cannot remember the last movie I saw in the theatre
• The cover for a car seat is vital and cannot be without one in a cold winter area
• I was so tired 3 nights ago I cried in frustration and exhaustion- every time I would lay down and get the covers on me he would cry for frustration, diaper change or hungry
• There is no excuse for not brushing & flossing, no matter how tired you are, if I can do it, so can you, it takes 3-5 min tops. Anyone can spare that amount of time.  Just lay the brush & floss near where you sleep so you can grab it from a laying position.  You can brush without toothpaste and it will still be beneficial to your teeth.
• My ribs are hurting and my thoracic outlet and carpal tunnel symptoms are progressively worsening with the posture of feeding Adam, rocking Adam and carrying him around
• Poor guy cries for bowel movements and gas
• His skin is peeling from his scalp and he has baby acne/something toxemia rash on his face, scalp, eye lids, shoulders, stomach, chest, upper arms and ears.

Tony Is Great

 Adam was up from 11 PM until 7 AM last night. I got to sleep some today because Tony watched him.   Without him I am going to be unable to get a break tomorrow. He is such a life saver, but it makes for little quality time together. It will not be forever. It is hard to enjoy this time with this little guy. Tony is every bit the father I knew he would be. So great to see.

  Tony made turkey meatloaf today. This after his great stir fry yesterday. Adam is snuggling with me right now. He will wake for his diaper any minute. Such a warm snuggly bundle. He is getting bigger already. Cannot wait to see how big he is when we go to the doctor's appointment.  He is due for a bath so that is next tonight.

  I have not finished my Christmas cards yet. Lots to go, so many people to thank. So many thoughtful people. So much love. I am so thankful for so many to be thinking of us. Tony and I are doing a minimal gift Christmas as Adam is our gift this year and the medical bills started rolling in already.  I would prefer Adam to any other gift anyway.  Anything else I want is really just a better life for our family and to see more of my family.

  I want to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, but that will be unlikely. In due time. It is snowing big soft slow falling flakes out.  Like in the movies, all the surfaces we can see are coated.  It is beautiful.  I will drive out into it in 2 days.  Soon enough.  Someone plowed us out.  Very sweet of whomever that was.  Time to take his picture again. Everyday. (Smile)

Mqt NICU website 11-20-11

So Precious

  I sat for 2 hours straight with Adam sleeping on me today.  Just one of many stints where he slept on me really, but it just makes me take a minute and appreciate how my life has changed in the last month.  Adam is so precious and he is everything that I thought he would be.  He is so sweet and so wonderful.  I think he was the baby we were meant to have.  This particular boy was meant to be in our lives after all that we went through to welcome him into our lives.  The journey was not exactly anything to do with being "worth it" as I hold every event separate rather than being a culmination.  The whole process or journey is ongoing in the roller coaster that is my life.  I know it is a continuum and the ultimate ending is the end of my life.  I want to spend my life having as much happiness as I have when holding my baby while he is alertly awake just staring around and making oh shapes with his lips.

  I am beside myself happy with my baby.  I know there will be days that I do not like my baby, like when he's inconsolable and I have had only 2 hours of sleep in 2 days or when he is a teenager and he accidentally stays out past curfew driving to Green Bay with his girlfriend and denting the car without telling me, but I will always love him.  He has this purity in his eyes like his dad does.  I hope his life takes the lucky path that Tony's does, except better.  He can be whatever he wants in life and I will have to accept that.

  He already has a mind of his own and I respect that.  The wonder in his eyes and his heart.  I want to foster his imagination and nurture his successes and confidence.  I want to see him through failure and mistakes to pick himself back up and learn from them, move forward.  I can only do the best with what I have and I will instill in him that no one is perfect, life is not perfect, but life and love can still be good.  Sacrifices for our children, they will never appreciate or understand.  They are not debts to be paid in the future by the child.  They are something you do expecting nothing in return.  Love and respect is earned, not a given.

  His cooing, his crying, anything that give him a voice is music to my ears.  I have waited a long time to hear anything he has to say.  I cannot wait until he can tell stories and say my name.  Duty calls right now...

No Sleep

  I have gotten 3.5 non-consecutive hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.  So tired. The poor guy has been developing hives on his head and face the last few days. Unsure if its food I'm eating, detergent, change in temperature or some unknown cause.  Hope I can figure it out to spare him the itching and swelling.  I do not want him to develop a more serious reaction with further exposure.

  I need to shower and to bath him again.  I am just trying to sleep when he sleeps, but he wakes to get changed then wakes to eat and they are not at the same time.  It is good he's gaining weight and needing frequent diaper changes, but it makes sleep more elusive.  Especially at night.  He is wide awake at night for some reason.  It is disconcerting and I want to hold him and play with him when awake, but I'm so tired.  I feel sad because I am missing out on him growing and playing with him because I'm so tired.  He's already getting bigger.  I weighed him 2 days ago at 10.8 lbs.  His next doctor visit is next week and he'll be one month old already!!!

  How long does this eating every 1.5-3 hours last?  I hope not forever.  The dental society Christmas party is on this Friday and I don't know if I'll be awake enough to go.  I want to go and share this happy baby with pictures, but I also want to sleep and eat.  I also want to be there for him when he needs to eat.  I do not want to expose him to many people right now either.  He does not need to get sick.  Eventually I know he'll get a cold or something else, but he has enough on his plate right now.

  He blows air or raspberries when he's falling asleep or is dreaming or waking up.  He's so funny that way.  He smiles with his eyes closed after eating or while sleeping sometimes.  He is good at tummy time, but cries because he wants to be held rather than hold his head up and see just his immediate surroundings rather than walking around.

  I am sending out Christmas cards with his picture for an announcement rather than sending out two cards. I have to do that sometime, but I do not know when that will be possible.  In the middle of the night I have no energy and during the day I am trying to sleep or get something done, like the laundry or eating.  I am so thankful for Tony.  He's been making the food and allowing me to sleep when he gets home from work.  He's a pro at changing diapers.  We miss each other though with the lack of time we get to spend together.  He's taking all the stress of working, not sleeping because he hears every time Adam wakes and screams, cooking, running errands, changing diapers while I sleep, take out the trash, etc.  He's very helpful, but I feel bad I cannot do more to help him and to spend more time with him.  We have not slept in the same room, but once in about 3 months.    Being married usually means you get to be together, but this is not the funnest.  I would love to think we can get Adam on a schedule, but that seems to be more in the future than any time soon.  I hear it can be 6-8 weeks before he sleeps longer at night.

 On a good note my blood pressure is in a normal range.  Not normal for me yet, but it is going in the right direction.  I am getting headaches daily and that is a side effect of the medicine I am taking.  It could be worse, but I hope my blood pressure stays equalized once I am off of the medicine.  I would be very upset if it rises again.  I am hopeful that will not be a problem.  People are already asking me when we will have our next baby.  I need a couple of years to recover from this one and the prospect of being older and having this potentially happen again is scary to me.  I think I'm going to enjoy this time and think about having a second baby in the future, not now.  This precious boy gets all of my attention.

Rough Night

  What a LONG night.  Adam ate and needed a diaper change, or two, every hour from 4 PM-5 AM last night.  I need to convert him to be a daytime baby instead of a nocturnal baby.  I tried to keep him up, but he's sleeping right now.  He likes to sleep after every time he eats is the problem, then he's up all night.  Ugh.  I read I may be dehydrated and not drinking enough and that is why he wants to eat so frequently.  Also, he is such a big boy, I may not be keeping up with is needs so I am working on that too.

  He likes his McLaren lounge chair with vibration option.  He is not sure about the swing yet.  He definitely did well with Baby Beethoven today.  Good times.  The pack-n-play height for regular diaper changes is extra straining on my back.  So painful.  On top of pulling a muscle beneath my right shoulder blade, I really need to find another way of changing diapers.  I am loving the cloth diapers, but they do require more frequent changes as they get soaked and the baby instantly feels the wetness.  This in contrast to the super absorbent disposable kinds that wick the moisture away and they baby can sit in their wetness for many hours possibly before saturation occurs.  I would rather change him than let him sit in it to try and heal the diaper rash anyway.

  We put up the Christmas tree today.  Different ornaments this year and we already have a picture ornament with Adam inside.  Love the feeling of bulbs that I cannot break if I drop them.  The new camera is also great in low light.  I have to say the camera has surpassed my expectations.  Love to use this camera over any other.  The camera will come in handy for Christmas too.  Our little bundle boy is just going to be the best present with a bow on his head.  I cannot wait.  I have a feeling this will be the Christmas of Adam and not the parents so much.  Fun.

  I am ready for sleep, but he will eat in an hour so I will wait for him and see if I can sleep after that for a couple of hours.  I hope this phase goes quickly and will not last for months.  I would take even 4 hours at a time, let alone 5 hours.  Watching SNL in the meantime.  It is a re-run, but still tremendously funny.  I love Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg together.  They are hilarious.  Oh poor crying baby.  I hope the rash clears up soon.

Long Night Last Night

  I ended up giving Adam Gripe water last night and using Mother Love's cream.  It was a rough night for the poor, inconsolable guy.  I hope we do not have a repeat tonight, though I know there will be nights like that in the future.  Tony is a miracle worker and really did his daddy duty last night.  We love him.  It is wonderful to have a partner to help with the parenting of Adam.  I cannot imagine going through this experience without him.  I do not know how anyone would get anything done in the first weeks.  Wow.

  The Medela pump is worth every penny.  I got the backpack variety and think that it is great.  Love it.  I think diaper rash is the work of the devil to torture babies and parents.  It is clearing up, slowly, but I hope little Adam will get along much better without it.  He got his first bath today.  So much screaming, but so clean afterwards.  He is so cute with that wet hair and combing it afterward is the best.

  He's lightly sleeping right now, periodically blowing out or doing raspberries.  He's so expressive.  I'm watching White Christmas in the background and Tony went to get some leftover Thanksgiving food for me.  I hope he has pie.  I have gotten little done in the last week.  I am working on laundry right now.  This experience is definitely not what I thought it would be.  I also found out that snaps are for the birds.  They take way too long to dress him.  He has no patience for that.  He wants to be dressed and done with it already.

  I still have hives on my hands and forearms.  They are raised, but not itchy like they were.  They are drying out.  Wish I could have taken antihistamines for longer, but they messed me up enough.  I look back at the problems I started to have and they stemmed from the night I "took off" to sleep and then taking the antihistamines.  I am trying the Fenugreek Mother's Milk tea, but am unsure when I would see results if it is going to work.  I am so stiff from sitting and sleeping all the time.  I want to stretch and exercise, but no dice for a few weeks.  I can feel the weakness in my abdominal muscles and I must wait.  I can stretch though.  I just have to do that instead of sleep and that is not as appealing.

  Time for transferring all the video and pictures to the hard drive to save.  Adam is such a fun fellow.  I hope that I take enough pictures to look back on when he was little bitty and appreciate it because time is flying right now.  He is already growing.  Amazing.  I love cloth diapering.  So much easier and fun that they will grow with him.  Fly by the seat of our pants leaning all this taking care of a newborn stuff.  Will we have a Christmas tree this year?  Maybe tomorrow.  We'll see.

After his bath roday.  Mohawk love

Thanksgiving

  I still have hives on the backs of my hands, right thigh, chest and calves.  I do not know when they will go away as I will not take any more antihistamines.  I have no appetite. I have a grumbly stomach, but I am more tired than hungry.  I force food, but it is the opposite than when I was pregnant.  My blood pressure is improving happily.   I am trying the Milk Maid tea with Fenugreek in it to help me along with feeding Adam.

  Adam eats every 1-2.5 hours during the day and had a hard time going to sleep last night at 2 AM. He did finally sleep for 4 hrs and then 3 hrs so I could sleep too this morning.  We did get to see some of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  We watched some of the Dog Show afterwards, 17 Again, then Tony started watching the Season 3 Star Wars animated episodes.  Adam is wearing his Yoda, "Hungry, I am" onesie.

  I have made no preparation to bring anything to Thanksgiving.  If it were up to me I would have made TV dinners and had a pie.  I am not really excited to have my baby fresh out of the NICU around a bunch of people.  He still has enough to deal with rather than getting another illness on top of it.  I do not think it's too much to ask to have people wash their hands to hold the baby for now.  I just want to take care of him, diaper changes and life are hard enough without dealing with more medicines and discomfort from a disease.  I missed seeing the traditional football with my dad, but he gave me the highlights.  I miss traditional family Thanksgiving.

  When we were little Thanksgiving was a lot of food and good eating.  There was always tension in the air between my parents, but we typically had neighbors or someone else present for us all to be on our best behavior and to eat the bounty so there was not so much leftovers.  I like the spiral noodle salad that was good for days later.  Delicious.  Cannot have the garlic these days, but it sounds good.  I hope they have pie as Tony did not pick one up.  I want to come back and relax some before the night routine begins or I run out of diapers.  He spit up on me, but not on his onesie so people can see him in it before it gets dirty as well.  Time to pack the diaper bag to go.  Lots of prep work to make it out the door these days.  Rather be safe with extra diapers than sorry!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Time Flies, Sweet Boy

  I was feeling better, though my swelling nor blood pressure had gone down much. Then I had hives and angioedema as I'm allergic to one or both of the medications I was taking. The problem is that I was taking so many new meds that I didn't know which one was the culprit and I went off all of them and was given a different medicine to take. My blood pressure was not improving and they switched making it another 3-5 days for it to start working. After 4 days the medicine is kicking in and my blood pressure is down considerably. Not into "normal" range yet, but out of the danger zone anyway. My headaches and heart feel better everyday. More sleep as he gets bigger and sleeps more will help me too.

  The baby now has wicked diaper rash from the antibiotics which makes changing, etc. painful for him. Poor thing. The last hurdle for healing was evaluated at the doctor's today. He's stuffy for breathing, but nothing like when he had full blown pneumonia. He just needs a humidifier for his sinuses.  He gained weight and looks good. Happy to be home now and will try to get on a schedule before Tony has to go back to work full time. He works today, but will be off until next Tuesday after that. Happy to have a few days with his help at home before I have to do it all by myself. I'm happy to be home safely. Tony and I are exhausted, but really excited to have him home. What a sweet boy he is. Such a tough trooper. 


  We have went to the in-laws for dinner the last 2 nights.  I just have no appetite.  I force myself to eat when my stomach gets grumbly, but I have no desire to just eat.  I know I have to eat in order to feed Adam.  We celebrated my birthday last night with tomato soup and grilled cheese dinner.  Robin made baked Alaska for me, delicious.  The raspberry sorbet was the best.  I got a mini steamer, wool jacket, alpaca socks, baby picture insert drink coasters, some cash and the cleaning solution for the cleaner.  Feels weird to be in the upper box of the 30's now.  I do not feel that old, but I can see time lines on my face and hands.  Amazing how time flies.  I am so thankful for my baby.  I had moments that I feared for both of our lives and I thought of what would happen if I lost him.  I did not want to consider that kind of devastation.  Adam's doctor today said stress and the blood pressure are surely related.  She said sleep and relaxation would be key to kicking the hypertension on top of the medications.  He is 15 days old already.  I did not get to do any of the pictures or spend the quality time that I had planned on with him.  It's been all nurses and doctors.  Oh, he cries again for the diaper to be changed.  Oh the laundry, amazing.  Have a great Thanksgiving.

Complications

  Adam weighs 9 lb 6 oz and only has his monitor electrodes and his PICC IV line now.  He's looking better and more alert every day.  We are hoping to be home on Monday, but if he needs to stay we may be here for Thanksgiving.  We'll see.

  On a different note, I have pitted edema and when (upon Tony's dad's suggestion) we took my blood pressure I was having a hypertensive crisis today.   My blood pressure was 191/101 at it's highest. I ended up in the emergency room.  They gave me IV meds and a prescription to fill tomorrow.  I am going to need full leg length pressure socks I am to get tomorrow.  I have to stay off my feet and will be on the meds hopefully only 2 weeks.  I had  severe headaches the last 2 days and didn't realize they were blood pressure related.  I also have a end of exhalation wheeze that was causing me to snore which I've never had before.  I am feeling better now, though my swelling has not gone down.  I am hopeful I can still feed while on the meds. I will be losing a lot of fluid.  I really cannot take any more complications.  I am hoping for a smooth transition to going home. 

  Adam calls, he's hungry.  Then I get to sleep a couple of hours.

So Much Has Happened

  My baby was born 11-8-11 at 9:44 AM at 20.5 inches long, 8 lb. 15 oz via C-section.  He is SO sweet and cute.  We are SO in love with him!

  Labor was unexpected and did not turn out they way it should have or expectedly.  My water broke at 7:30 PM on 11-7-11.  It is likely I had a slow leak, but that was the biggest gush I had.  My contractions started at 9:30 PM and progressed all night until unbearable and ~5 minutes a part by 4 AM I signed in at the hospital.  By 9:30 AM we began talking about a change in birth plan.  I ended up with signs of infection, an irregular labor pattern, the baby changing positions and getting stuck on my bones, the baby ended up in distress with cord compression from certain positions, dilation did not progress passed 3 cm.  I was in so much pain and so feverish that I did not really have time to contemplate the C-section I had to experience.

  It took 5 injection sites of local anesthetic before they found the spot to put the epidural.  They had the baby out within 4 minutes of the epidural going into place.  I was very nauseated and they gave me some great meds that prevented me from getting sick.  I had too low of blood pressure and they corrected that as well.  I had muscles spasms in my neck and shoulders during the C-section as a result from the pain and position I was in during the contractions that did not have a break in between them.  It was constant contractions that did not give me a break at the end.

  The baby did not scream right away and when he did it was weak and clouded.  He had aspirated amniotic fluid that turned out to be infected.  I was having chills and hot flashes during labor and that was a sign of infection.  As soon as they removed the baby, the placenta and the bag of waters, the source of the infection for me was removed and I no longer had infection or need of antibiotics anymore.  The poor baby, however, had aspirated fluid that was infected.  The chest x-ray revealed lots of fluid in his lungs.  They decided to wait 24 hours to take further bloodwork to see if the infection and fluid clears or if he needed to go to the NICU for treatment.

  He was a champ at nursing, but he was not getting anything yet so he was dehydrated, hungry and frustrated.  He is such a sweet and cooperative baby.  He did not open his eyes much as he was tired and fighting infection.  His bloodwork revealed an elevated CRP level and high white blood cell count.  This is when the snow was falling and some places between Hancock and Marquette MI got from 6-13 inches of snow.  The NICU team were dispatched, but in the time that it took for them to arrive in Hancock from Marquette another baby was born that was sicker than our baby.  The team then took that baby, who was tachycardic and had infection also, to the NICU.  Our baby had an IV placed, but it was not in the vessel and the antibiotics and fluid just built up into his leg instead of going into his blood stream.  He got infiltrate in his ankle and calf and it made the area really swollen and white.  It was preventing blood flow and oxygenation of that area.  They finally removed the bad IV and started on on his forearm.

  The poor guy also had to be on oxygen as he had labored and shallow breathing because of all the fluid in his lungs.  He would sneeze and yellow infected mucus would come out of his nose.  He then started looking more and more jaundiced over time as well.  Over the 3 more hours that another NICU team was dispatched from Marquette, they put a heat pack on his ankle and the area finally pinked up as his blood flow improved.  That leg then became 2 times the size of the other leg from the fluid trying to disperse.  He is such a trooper.

  He has lots of hair and is very handsome.  He loves to be held by mom and dad and seems to recognize us.  The poor thing did not have a name until right before they came to take him away.  We quickly decided between the 3 names we were hemming and hawing over.  Adam Michael Sarazin it is.  I was beside myself with grief and worry at the thought of my sick baby, not being able to go with him as he left in the ambulance and at the unknown if he will get better or not.  This did not help my massing swelling in my hands, calves, thighs, whole body really.  My incision site hurts and any engaging of the abdominal muscles is just painful.  The contracting of the uterus is crampy and aching as well.  My low back hurt from the muscles and the multiple injections that they administered.  The hardest part was getting in and out of bed.  The transfer of my legs took the most abdominal effort.  I can walk slowly.

  The trip to Marquette, usually 2 hours, took the ambulance 3 hours to get to Hancock because of the blowing heavy snow.  It took 1 hour to get from Marquette to Ishpeming on their way there.  It took almost that long to go back to Marquette.  I was glad they came and made it safely.  I had to wait to be discharged the next day.  I talked to my sister until 1:30 AM and finally succumbed to the exhaustion and slept until 7:30 AM.  I was falling asleep pumping the night before.  I pumped again in the morning and achieved 1.5 ml of fluid.  Meager, but a start.  I showered for the first time in 3 days, packed up my bags after eating breakfast and they agreed to discharge me early.  I was so excited to go to be with my family.  I missed my baby so much.  I could still feel his head resting in the crook of my elbow.

  My mother-in-law came to pick me up and while she and Rejean (Nikki's husband) loaded up all of my bags and gifts Re dropped one bag and shattered a picture frame gift that came from his step mother-in-law.  We went quickly back to my house to get clothes, cloth diapers and necessities.  We were on our way by after 111:30 AM.  We made it to Marquette on pretty clear, slightly rutty roads without any blowing snow or rain.  I was so swollen and tired, but so excited when I got there.  She wheeled me around to find the place of the NICU.  I arrived just in time to see my baby for 5 minutes before they kicked us out for master rounds.  He took my milk and they decided to supplement for him as he is starving and dehydrated.

  We went to eat lunch (at 3 PM) at the cafeteria.  We made it back a little after 4 and I was able to hold him.  I held him on and off while we changed his diaper, checked his vitals and we got to bath him.  He is so precious.  He is also very sore from being a constant pin cushion.  He is such a trooper.  I hope he hangs in there.  He would not latch on after the supplemental feeding, but I am optimistic that he will today.  It must be difficult with a feeding tube in your mouth and down your throat.

  I did not get to pump as Tony was exhausted and went back to the Beacon house early.  I called Erika and she picked me up and took me back to the house.  She was teary dropping me off and I really appreciated seeing her.  We finally go some alone time and Tony got to change from the same clothes he wore for 3 days.  He got to shower and went right to sleep.  I slept for 3 hours then 4 hours as the next door little boy kept waking up and crying.  The parents were yelling and swearing at the poor guy.

  My milk is coming in.  My breasts are hard and sore.  I need to get to my baby!  I miss him so much.  When I look at his face I feel I've known him for a long time.  I have deja vu like I've met him before.  He is so precious.  I had no idea I could love so much so fast.  He is just meant to be, the light of my life.  Wow, I miss him so much.  I plan to spend the whole day just loving on him and thinking about him.  I want some kangaroo time today.  I have now woken Tony and we can get ready to go see our baby.

  I am grateful for the Beacon house and for the Marquette NICU.  Please, baby Adam, get better my sweet.  I hope there is better news today.  I took my pain meds and ate a cookie so I won't get sick on an empty stomach.  Updates to follow.

Adam, poor thing looks so jaundiced, he gets a blue bili blanket

Moving and Shaking

  Oh man, this baby is going crazy right now.  Moving all over the place right now, why is it that the baby will just not come out and play outside already?  I went for an hour walk today and still nothing doing.  I have an appointment in the morning to get checked again and my feeling is I am going to have no success again.  I would love to go in and be ready to go.  Man, I hope I can sleep tonight.

  I played Scrabble today for the first time in months and frittered away the gorgeous day inside.  This fantastic warm day with a warm breeze that blew away some more of those remaining Fall leaves.  I love the large moon and the potential for moon induced pressure changes.  I am watching Crazy, Stupid, Love right now and am laughing along with Ryan Gosling and Steve Carrell.  I love Emma Stone's humor as well.  The craziness of how true this movie is makes for a good time.  I watched Season of the Witch with Nick Cage earlier today and it was better than I thought it would be.  A possession of the devil rather than a witch during the time of plague.  Hereafter was so slow to develop that I could not continue watching it and had Tony return it before I got 40 minutes into the movie.  Painful.

Full Moon with fast moving clouds with the wind

Gorgeous Day, Going Out to Enjoy

  I love hearing from empathetic people who can relate to what I am feeling right now.  I am playing the waiting game and hoping for the best.  I miss hanging out with my friends at State Wide Real Estate.  It is a pleasure to hear from you and how much you care.  I promise to keep everyone posted as to when the baby comes.  I have had so much contact from those that care, it really feels good that people want the best for me and our family.  So excited to share with everyone.

  We are going to the property today to be out of cell phone range to see if we can spark today to be his birthday.  That would be fun.  I want to enjoy the warm and sunny day.  I want to take a walk, stretch and hang out.  I feel this will help the numbness and swelling.  I hope to take my mind off of it and to let nature take it's course, whenever the baby decides that will be.  I look forward to a walk on the beach.  Possibly my last of the Fall or this year.

  I want banana bread.  I think I will get some before we head out.  That can be lunch. Mmm...

Dr Appt Today

  Today's appointment was not very informative.  The ultrasound demonstrated how cramped the accommodations are inside for the baby these days, but I could not tell how much amnio fluid is present.  The baby's head looked big to me.  The baby's hand was near his face and he is in a favorable facing position.  So big!  I did not ask them to measure the size of the baby's head.  I did not think of it at the time, now I am interested.  I want to know if they take that into consideration, if the head size is too big to pass through the birth canal whether they recommend a C-section or not.

  They did not check dilation, but the non-stress test demonstrated that the baby's heart rate and movements are very good.  Murphy's Law, I was not contracting when on the monitor today.  They sent me home saying come back on Monday or whenever I go into labor before then.  It really does not feel like this baby is coming today.  It might just hit me like a ton of bricks all of a sudden.  I cannot imagine.  This baby seems way too happy to just hang out in the happy, warm, nourished environment that he is enjoying.  The snow is coming next week, it would be nice to have this baby before then so I can already be back at home.  Nikki is scheduled for her C-section on Tuesday.  There is a chance she will have her baby first.  I would never have believed that to be true when I got pregnant.

  Tony went to get dinner.  He is going to call when he gets to where he is getting dinner to ask me what I want.  He will not make it back before dark as sun sets at 6:30 PM.  It is definitely colder outside than the temperature indicates.  I did not go for my walk today.  This weekend is supposed to be so nice, I know I will get my opportunity.  I do not know if walking actually helps, but my outside walking days are limited and I enjoy the sun and smells of outside.  OK, breadsticks are on their way.  Mmmm...  Another pink sunset.  I love it.

  The movie Priest was unexpected.  It had monster non-human looking vampires where "priests" are the ones who exterminate the people killing vampires.  Lots of stars in this movie cannot make up for the poor choices of script language, music choices and plot tempo.  Overall the movie had good effects and I liked their casting choices.  I missed the ending, but I got to talk to my dad and sister.  Now watching, "Waiting for Superman." I knew it would be worthwhile to watch.  Shocking why the schools are so messed up.  I am having contractions, but no pains.  Ugh.

Due Date Has Arrived

  Oh, the special torture of a date that we have been waiting for.  Ten months in the making and the big anti-climatic arrival of that day.  All these "practice" labor contractions, sometimes I feel that I missed my window of opportunity for natural labor to happen.  Not excited at the prospect of my labor not starting on its own.  I was given the Bishop's scale on my last appointment and I would be guaranteed a long labor and  a C-section.  I am so open to the possibilities now, even if it is just to alleviate poor Tony's anxiety about the baby and everything to do with the birth.

View out of my living room window

  Such good contractions until 2 A.M. last night/this morning.  Now, just abdominal cramping and lower back pain.  I am so swollen my hands and lower legs are numb/tingling.  I do not know what walking will accomplish as I already walked this morning, but my walk yesterday for almost 40 minutes I will repeat today as it is so nice out.  I know the snow and cold are coming soon enough.  I must enjoy while I have the "freedom" and time.  I love the feeling of exercising though.  It's just awkward right now.  I feel stretching is ineffective because I cannot move very easily, but I go through the motions so I can try to relax those hips that need to expand.  Ugh.

Oh Boy

  Ya, baby boy did not come today.  I have hopes that tomorrow will be a good day as that is my due date and Taylor's 18th birthday.  So wish I could be at her birthday tomorrow.  She is so grown up.  Shocking to me that she is 18 and going to be on her own.  I wish she will learn from other's mistakes and not have to learn everything the hard way.  I know this is ambitious and I surely did not do this, but I can be optimistic for her.  I wish I could help her with her college personal statement.  I know mine did not rock and I could help her as to what not to do anyway.  Though, I still got in and went all the way in school.  I miss undergrad school.  Oh so fun.  I did not take full advantage, but she sure could.  I would love to encourage all the shenanigans that I should have done in school.  I kept to myself and did the secluded hood.  I never took a proper Spring Break, had 3 jobs and studied every holiday.

  Despite that, undergrad was so fun for freedom, traveling and meeting many different types of people.  Undergrad prepares you for learning outside the box and not the material.  You just have to regurgitate the info. that the professor wants to get by instead of learning life skills and information that you will actually use in day to day life of an occupation.  Interesting that the well rounded, intelligent college grad. is just getting started in the world.  They do not teach business and communication to everyone like they should because they only care about getting your money and not what you actually learn.  Oh, the college experience.

  I miss going to campus at the University of Arizona to hang out on the mall, sleeping in various study rooms or at the back of the library, getting Chinese food or smoothies on campus or going to a study group to hammer out the details after I have done the heavy lifting of research.  The campus I used to frequent from 6 AM until the wee hours of the morning sometimes.  Listening to sports events and watching games when we became national champions my junior year.  Basketball and football rocked when I was in school.  I just loved the McKale center and my friends that were supportive and crazy honest with me.  They took care of me and would go clubbing whenever we felt like hanging out.

  Free movies and unlimited study time with movies playing in the background.  Hot nights and playing softball to blow off steam.  These are the times of my life.  The smell of the dirt and grass.  The free drinks guys would buy for me.  Dancing until I was sweating.  Running at the rec. center at 5 AM. Oh, the free activities were so worth it.  Endless possibilities.  Classes and information I did not even think I would find interesting.  I wish the enlightenment, awkwardness, exploration, loneliness, camaraderie, and happiness of accomplishment that the University has to offer.  Delightful.

  A whole bunch of nothing today.  Ebay success and returning books that I borrowed long ago.  I should never borrow books or movies as they do not get returned promptly.  Praying for a baby birthday tomorrow.  Smooth and successful labor for a happy ending is my hope.  Oh, boy. Good times, good times.

Oh, C'mon Now

  Today would have been a good day to have a baby. I guess tomorrow will be a good day too.  The doctor tried to help me out at my appt. yesterday, but no dice so far.  The "help" would occur 36-48 hrs after and that ends tomorrow at 10 AM.  Will my baby and my brain take advantage of this help?  I do not know.  I am so swollen.  I walked for 40 minutes today.  It was 56 degrees out and the sun shined through during my walk.  Gorgeous and nice.  No more contractions from that.  I had good contractions this morning that got to 10 minutes a part and did not progress.  I was exhausted because I did not sleep last night because of abdominal and back cramping.

  I watched Thor and as much as the hype of eye candy for the main character, there was only one shirtless scene and I was not that impressed.  He is only good if you like that Greek-god complex guys.  I do not go for meat-heads and when men are too muscly for me, I do not go for it as much as toned.  The plot was ok, but I would not be interested in a sequel.  I am just not a Natalie Portman fan.  She cannot pass for an intelligent scientist and still looks like a teenager.  She is not a good actress and had no chemistry with her co-star.  He also played aloof and self-centered.  He seemed not to be able to act well either.  The special effects were fair enough.

  I have been so unmotivated, I had clean laundry sit in the dryer for 5 days.  (Stupid fruit flies buzzing around my face.  Where do they come from and why can I not get them to go away permanently?) I am finally doing more laundry in the hopes I will not want to do laundry for a while.  Everything I cleaned in preparation are getting dirty again.  It is time to clean the floors again, counter tops, etc.  Only now, I feel I do not have the energy nor desire to re-do the thorough cleaning again.  I did buy frozen lasagna and meals for Tony despite his trepidation about them.  I know they are a good idea.  Life is easier with less cooking to do and less dishes to clean.  I wish my sister was here.

  I watched Glee, Clone Wars season 3, a Lifetime movie, The New Girl double screened until Body of Proof and Parenthood are going to be on in 20 minutes.  I know the secret will be exercise after the baby is born and I can go out and about again.  It is hard just sitting here and waiting.  I am glad the weather has been nice so I can go for my walks.  Wacca wacca wacca.  My sleep schedule is so off, I will be glad when a newborn dictates my sleep schedule.  No problem.  Days and nights will blur and my sense of reality will change.  Ah, the sign of change.  One that you cannot prepare for until it hits you.  SO glad we did not get Snowtober like the Nor'easter that came through New England with lots of snow and power outages!  Glad the weather stayed nice for me to bring my baby home in.  Sweet.

40 weeks tomorrow

How my baby is growing:

  It's hard to say for sure how big your baby will be, but the average newborn weighs about 7 1/2 pounds (a small pumpkin) and is about 20 inches long. His skull bones are not yet fused, which allows them to overlap a bit if it's a snug fit through the birth canal during labor. This so-called "molding" is the reason your baby's noggin may look a little conehead-ish after birth. Rest assured — it's normal and temporary.


How my life is changing:

After months of anticipation, your due date rolls around, and... you're still pregnant. It's a frustrating, but common, situation in which to find yourself. You may not be as late as you think, especially if you're relying solely on a due date calculated from the day of your last period because sometimes women ovulate later than expected. Even with reliable dating, some women have prolonged pregnancies for no apparent reason.

You still have a couple of weeks before you'll be considered "post-term." But to be sure your baby is still thriving, your practitioner will schedule you for testing to keep an eye on her if your pregnancy continues.

You may have a biophysical profile (BPP), which consists of an ultrasound to look at your baby's overall movements, breathing movements (movement of her chest muscles and diaphragm), and muscle tone (whether she opens and closes her hand or extends and then flexes her limbs), as well as the amount of amniotic fluid that surrounds her (important because it's a reflection of how well the placenta is supporting your baby).

Fetal heart rate monitoring (called a nonstress test or NST) will generally be done as well — by itself or as part of the BPP. Or, you may have what's known as a modified BPP, which consists of an NST and an ultrasound to assess the amount of amniotic fluid.

If the fetal testing isn't reassuring — the amniotic fluid level is too low, for example — you'll be induced. If there's a serious, urgent problem, you may have an immediate c-section.

Your practitioner will also check your cervix to see if it's "ripening." Its position, how soft it is, how effaced (thinned out) it is, and how dilated (open) it is can all affect when and how your labor is induced. If you don't go into labor on your own, you'll be induced, usually sometime between 41 and 42 weeks.

Q1.

What does it mean to induce labor?

If your labor doesn't start on its own, your practitioner can use certain medications and techniques to help bring on or "induce" contractions. She'll do this when the risks of prolonging your pregnancy are higher than the risks of induction. Most practitioners will induce labor if you're still pregnant between one and two weeks after your due date. This is because the placenta may become less effective at delivering nutrients at around 42 weeks, and other serious complications become more likely as you pass your due date.

Q2.

How is labor induced?

There are a variety of methods, and the one your practitioner uses will depend on your individual situation — in part, on the condition of your cervix (whether it's ripe or not) and the urgency of the induction.

Typically, if you need to be induced but your cervix is not yet dilated or thinned out, you'll be admitted to the hospital and your caregiver will likely start off the induction by inserting medication that contains prostaglandins into your vagina. This medication helps to ripen the cervix and may also stimulate enough contractions to start your labor.

If the prostaglandins don't put you into labor, your caregiver will then administer a drug called Pitocin (also known as oxytocin). It's given through an IV and used to start labor or augment contractions you've been having on your own. (If your cervix is ripe to begin with, she'll start with the Pitocin straightaway.)

Q3.

Are there any techniques for kickstarting labor that I can try myself?

There are no do-it-yourself techniques consistently proven to be both safe and effective so don't try anything without guidance from your caregiver. Here's the scoop on some of the methods you may have heard about:

• Sexual intercourse: Semen contains prostaglandins and having an orgasm may stimulate some contractions. A few studies have shown that having sex at term may decrease the need for labor induction, but others have shown it has no effect on promoting labor.
• Nipple stimulation: Stimulating your nipples releases oxytocin, and it may help start labor, but more research is needed to determine the safety and effectiveness of this method. Because it may overstimulate your uterus, your contractions and your baby's response to them would need to be monitored so don't try this at home.
• Castor oil is a strong laxative, and stimulating your bowels may cause some contractions. There's no definitive proof that it helps induce labor though plenty of women can attest to its unpleasant effects!
• Herbal remedies: A variety of herbs are touted as useful for labor induction. Some are risky because they can cause contractions that are too long or too strong and may be unsafe for your baby for other reasons as well. For others, the safety and effectiveness remain unknown.

This Week's Activity:

Kick back and relax. Rent some movies, read a novel, curl up with a stack of magazines or a new CD, sleep in or grab catnaps when you can.You're in the final stretch and you deserve some downtime! If you're go-go-go right up until delivery you'll be depleted by the time your baby arrives, says clinical psychologist Diane Sanford.