Movies of the week: The Rite and Despicable Me *Spoilers*

  The Rite was amazing. Anthony Hopkins was excellent as always.  He really knows how to creep me out.  I do not like horror films and purposefully avoid them typically.  I tend to have vivid and scary dreams that seem very real to me.  I cannot tolerate any of that horror business, especially right before bed, but it is best avoided anyway.  I have enough negativity in my life.  I do not need to upset myself further.  This movie, however, had spiritual and larger than ourselves implications that really was touted to be based on true events.  Those movies tend to move me further than usual and can be disturbing depending on how much I read into them.  This movie really hit on a topic that I was thinking about before and now having seen the movie believe even more that you cannot control everything.  I will be better off not trying to control or worry about all the possibilities that could befall me.  Also, to not put myself close to or involved in experiences that could get me into troubles of my mind.

  This movie did end rather abruptly, but I am certain the movie makers did not want to draw it out.  They could have done a time lapse, but I guess decided against it.  The through time lapse, with possibly weeks or years passing, could have made the difference as to the believability of the story being based on real events.  Sometimes the strength of the belief and timing of a revelation can be very powerful and make all the difference.  Despite the other main character's performance, the movie still resonated with me.  The knowing of the unknowable would be disturbing in any setting and especially if I ever experienced it first hand.  Happily I do not resonate with those things on purpose so I do not want to attract them.  Believing in them and from my own experiences, I know enough that I do not want to get involved with the demon/devil/possessions on earth.  No thanks.  This movie does inspire me to go to Rome though.  Beautiful old city.  Old and new, spiritual and secular, beautiful and decrepit, romantic and scary, mysterious and a well documented open book.  Quite a combination all in one place.  Awesome.

  Despicable Me, on the other hand, is one of the cutest movies I have seen for a while.  It was definitely my kind of humor.  This was much better than the latest Toy Story edition we watched in an IMAX theatre.  The love of unicorns and fuzzy stuffed animals is the best.  I liked the kindness, innocence and Dave Carrell humor that this movie offered.  I think the voices were well cast and the action of the storyline was interesting and moving enough that I wanted to watch to see the ending.  I also liked the music filled dancing ending too.  I definitely want my arch enemy to end up saying, "Oh, poop" while ending up on the moon.  I also want all of my minions.  Ah, the minions that could help me get whatever job I have done.  Margo, Edith and Agnes are all names I would like to see re-popularized for the next generation of baby names.  Edith is like my niece, Cece, to me.  Her character had a hard to resist quality that is very inquisitive and unpredictably funny and possibly troublesome at all times.  I like that one of the girls has glasses and one will not take off her pink hat.  The scene of the moon at the end is great.  Looking at the moon is awe inspiring of itself, but with someone you love makes the moment most magical.  I like the Gru light puppet too.  Hah.  Good music in the beginning credits and after movie fun with the credits really are good sellers for me to like a movie better.  It is a part of why Twilight did not flop as a movie, in my opinion.

Church today, really?

  Today is the first time I have gone to church in a long time.  I have not been able to attend because I have been so overwhelmed I could not make it through a service.  Either I would become overcome with emotions that I could not stay in my seat, I had to leave to get tissues and compose myself or I would just have to leave.  I stopped going because I could not be calm.  These days are very different days since my confirmation in junior high school.  Everything used to be theoretical and "above" me.  I could abstractly understand everything, but nothing was real or literal for me.  I went through a long time that I was sickened and disgusted at the hypocrisy that is rampant at church and did not want to face or attend service with those people.  Now, I realize the experience of worship is a personal one and you can take away and bring to it what you want as an individual.  The congregation as a whole is important, but we are all sinners and must respect that they show up with their individual circumstances.  It is not my job to judge and neither is it their job to judge me.
  Leading to today, my attendance at church, one event that lead me was reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown.  This book really opened my eyes to how the world in reality works.  Everything that is good that you can conjure up in your imagination is not how reality works.  There is something to be said for an experience that you want to make happen and actually making it happen.  I would imagine what a first date or first kiss would be like.  When the time would actually come about, it was never how I pictured it in my head.  However, sometimes the experience, how it felt in my head, what the trees and grass smelled like, what the bench felt like beneath my legs, what their cologne and my perfume smelled like, what the sun felt like on my skin, etc. was better than anything I could conjure in my head.  Some experiences were much better than I could have imagined because I have never gone through that circumstance before and could not foresee what everything would be like.  I lacked foresight and experience.  Despite previous experience, however, the same experience, as in going on a date, can be unique.  Different feelings, state of mind, time of day, etc. can all make the same restaurant or location be unique despite similar environment.
  I found that the ending of "The Lost Symbol" was an ending based in reality from a long, fantastical, mysterious and intriguing journey.  An ending that was tangible and real.  Something based in the tactile and conceptual thoughts of a person experiencing them without the unreal or the imagination clouding the experience.  Something that is not fake and something that is tangible.  I do not think that I am describing this transcendental experience that has heightened my awareness of the world and focused my ability to comprehend the world around me with more clarity and detail that I otherwise did not experience or notice going through life in the past.
  Experiences in the real world can be better than my imagination because of the unexpected and the unknowable.  I can see that taking risks and doing things that are not familiar to me leads to new knowledge, experience and things that can make me happy without my ever considering it before as the unfamiliar was previously not an option.  It's like, for those of you who know what it is like, to put on glasses for the first time ever after going years without glasses and finally getting the proper prescription.  Everything becomes 3-D.  The trees have leaves and not blurs, people have freckles and not blotches, everything has definition and detail that are now amazing and new.  Life can be beautiful and awe inspiring with just opening your eyes and seeing the details differently, clearly, distinctly.
  There is nothing that is mystical waiting for me out there.  Basing the hopes and dreams of my future in reality makes everything possible.  What I want seems reachable and just requires looking into the steps it takes to make whatever I want to happen.  The happiness is tangible.  There is nothing more to it.  Today, church is about embracing the spirituality inside myself and believing in something bigger than me.  An inner peace that is starting to wash over me can be only enhanced by surrounding myself with a secure setting with those with similar desire for enlightenment at whatever stage they are at in life.  Church is to be my haven of light to help me as much as I want, not a place to push on me its own agenda without my knowledge.  An experience based in reality of this earth.  The places that are in the bible exist.  They are tangible as the place I go and sit in.  Some human wrote the articles that are included in the bible and they lived as I do.  A simple person that puts their clothes on one leg or sleeve at a time.  They ate and slept and worked everyday of their life.  Simple as that, so goes the curve ball that is my life.

Rough night last night

  Well, it went like this.  I, of course, started my time of the month.  I was hormonal and already moody.  I went ahead and threw myself my own pity party with table for only one, that was me.  The straw that broke the camel's back was actually more than one thing, but it does not really matter.  What does matter is I just gave into a good cry that I have not had for a long time.  I had excess energy to burn and I went outside at 10:30 last night and started making snow balls out of the well carved snow that was right outside our back door, on the back side of our house.  It was warm enough that my wet face did not freeze, but cold enough that after about a half an hour my fingers started to get cold.  I probably made about 40-50 snowballs.  I would wad them up and throw them as hard as I could toward the fence and the back yard's direction.  Half of them disintegrated mid-air, before they even had the chance to hit the fence or the snow on the ground.  It did not matter to me though.  The act of making the snowball and then, with all the force I could muster without falling over, throwing snowball after snowball just made me feel better.  I have not been able to throw anything for years now.  Either due to not wanting to hurt myself not to end my career, which happened anyway, or for avoidance of my numbness and weakness symptoms triggered by my thoracic outlet syndrome when my arms go anywhere near or above perpendicular to my body.  So much for that effort.

  I miss playing softball so badly it hurts sometimes.  I know I cannot play anymore, but the passion and fun I had just playing made my life that much happier without my previously knowing it.  Some nights I dream and dream about playing.  It is amazing how vivid my dreams are sometimes, like it actually happened to me.  I would wake sometimes and feel tired as if I was actually playing softball all night long just like in my dream.  What a great go-to stress reliever I used to have.  The friendships, the team effort, the smell of the dirt, the sweat running down my forehead, the feel of the glove in my hand, the ping of the bat making contact with the ball, throwing the runner out, touching and passing home base for the score and the win.  Ah, how my time in the sun or under the lights thrilled and delighted me like no other experience can.  I was not the best on the team, but I appreciated it all the more than they did.  I was just happy to be there and to have enough talent to get me by.  I did savor those days, not knowing they would not be in my future.  I never considered softball would not be a part of my life when I was younger.  It never even occurred to me.  Now that it's gone, I dare say it's like losing a best friend and mourning for the rest of my life.  Never forgetting, just reminiscing and re-playing the good times in my head.  That is the place I wanted to get to in my head last night when I was in such a dark place.

  Yesterday is over, and today is another day.  I feel better today and removed from those feelings I had last night.  I woke up all puffy and swollen which is not becoming on me in the least.  I was so dehydrated and swollen I could not get enough to drink today.  I am still puffy even now, but I am certain it will be gone by tomorrow and no one will have noticed anyway.  I am going to keep my own firework in the sky and keep looking at the "bright side" toward  how today is good and tomorrow can be better.  Those sad days that just sneak up on me, I am sure, will get fewer and fewer and will not blind side me so easily through time.  Tonight is a good night for a drink or two with friends and to go to bed early for the rest I so sorely need.  Cheers to you, my big curve ball of a life.  Cheers.

Connectedness is the key to happiness and life

 
  The book "Worry" by Edward M Hallowell, M.D. says "Toxic worry is a disease of imagination.  It is insidious and invisible like a virus.  As worry infiltrates your mind, it diminishes your ability to enjoy your family, your friends, your physical being, and your achievements because you live in fear of what might go wrong.  It undermines your ability to work, to love, and to play.  It interferes with your starting a new task or even enjoying the completion of an old one.  Worry is a special form of fear.  "What if" leaves you paranoid and crazy.  Worry is rooted both in reality of today's world and in how you process reality."
   "It's very important to learn how to talk to yourself in a positive, helpful way.  Reassure yourself and offer yourself perspective and encouragement.  Stop listening to all the negative thoughts that follow you around.   Any medication is just a short-term relief and when treatment is starting typically.  Relaxation techniques include meditating, praying twice-a-day, start an exercise program, slow breathing, and therapy sessions can help some people if they do not acknowledge their past traumas.  People can retrain their brain to reduce the chances of sinking into worry again.  Learn to recognize a period of irrational worry the moment it begins and to intercept it before it could get started.  The sum of all our connections (with other people including institutions, work, hobbies, family, etc.) with a solid enough sense of being connected to something larger than yourself, an entity that could look out for you when you are in trouble. The connectedness is the key to emotional health and surest protection we have against the psychological ravages of worry.  Make dates with friends.  Make regular phone calls to members of extended family.  Seek out colleagues, church members, book clubs, exercise groups, etc."  Everyone needs someone to lean on, someone they can count on, and someone to help them.
   Working toward this end, I have been making lunch dates, calling to keep in touch, writing letters through snail mail, going to exercise in an open environment with others, emailing friends, and listening to others more than talking.  I feel that the busier I am with people that are positive and want to connect with me the better I feel.  Less Facebook, movies, TV etc., media in general, has helped tremendously.  More reading, exercise, hobbies, and going to meals with friends.  I, myself, will be looking into a job with a flow of new and different people mixed in with familiar ones to make my days full and fly by through time.  I am excited to see what will come and am the happiest I have been in 6 years.  Good times following Dr. Hallowell's advice.  We create our own happiness.  I am busy building mine every minute of every day.  Ah, the journey is where its at, that curve ball of life.

Derailed yesterday and totally dismayed by it

  SINUS HEADACHE
This is what sidelined me yesterday.  I woke with pain behind my eyes, at my temples and spanning the middle of the entire distance of my forehead.  It was a dull ache that turned into a throb ache within a half an hour of being awake.  I ate breakfast and had some hot tea to try and steam out the sinuses.  I went to have my massage and haircut with some Deep Relief roll-on oils from Young Living spread all  over my forehead and temples areas.  The oils give me a nice tingling feeling on my skin and I can breathe deeper with the vapors infiltrating my nasal sinuses.  After facing downwards on the massage pillow, all of my oils are rubbed away and I lose their effects immediately.  Throughout the haircut I am squinty, due to the pain, and get a little dizzy with the chair moving up and down, side to side.  I make it out of there and drive straight home.
  I immediately warm water for my Neil Med to use to rinse my sinuses.  The rinse takes 10-30 minutes to cut my sinus pain in half, going back to a dull ache.  I decide to fore go working out as the pressure would be sure to increase my pain again so I opt for household chores.  I put a movie on and proceed to clean, return phone calls and emails.  Before I know it it is time to make dinner.  I put on rice in the rice maker and defrosted then cooked some buffalo bratwurst for my husband to eat for dinner.  By now my  head had hurt so long I am starting to wonder if it is more than just a headache.  I have had hives the last 2 days on my neck, just randomly timed so I was not sure as to their cause.  Now that I think about it maybe the hives and sinus pain are related.
  I have had a theory that I am sensitive to foods, as in dairy, wheat, corn, etc.  I have been indulging in junk food the last 3 days and wonder if that is the culprit of my problems.  That said junk food has been... Twinkies.  I bought a box of them and could not stop eating them with every meal.  I get on these kicks, where I indulge in whatever I want to eat to appease my taste buds, so I can move on from that desire and not deprive myself, leading to further eating of food I do not actually want.  Twinkies, however, are very wheat filled and I did not think about that when I ate them.  This could be the cause of all my discomfort.  Sinus inflammation and hives are both signs of allergy.  So, I gave up and decided that I must take a Benadryl to treat my symptoms as I could not retrieve the last days of Twinkies out of my system, I just had to wait that part out.
  The only thing that happened after I took the Benadryl was that I got really sleepy with my headache and laid on the floor with a yoga pillow and started to fall asleep.  I took this as a sign of waking on the floor an hour later that I should just go to bed.  I got ready for bed quickly and my head hit the pillow at just before 8:30 PM last night.  I slept until 9 AM this morning.  That is 12.5 hours of sleep!  Why does my body do this to me?  I want to get up for a fun filled productive day and I sleep and sleep?!  Well, I must have needed the rest and it was nature's way of saying to slow down.  I am without sinus pain today, just have the beginnings of sinus drainage now.  This is a welcomed improvement compared to yesterday.  I am off to throw away those Twinkies and get some good rice based lunch that will nourish me through many ways, none of which are allergic.  Ta ta for now my curve ball of life.

To massage or not to massage, that is the question

  We forge the chains we wear in life. - Charles Dickens
The power of positive thinking and "willing" something positive to come true, I have found, has to go down to your soul.  If you are not ready for it circumstances will not present themselves to make it happen.  If it was not meant to be then other opportunities or experiences will come your way.  I am trying on new chains these days, ones that do not include, hate, anger, shame, sorrow, jealousy and desire for revenge.  Instead I am trying on brand spanking and sparkling new chains that are hope, optimism, gratitude, happiness, friendship, forgiveness and fortitude.  These are what I want to keep tightly wrapped around me, especially in times of need.  I find that my muscles are relaxing the less stress I have and the less stress I put upon myself.  No one else is stressing me out, I am.  No one else cares I am self-deprecating, I do.  I am my own worst critic.  No one else could say anything that is something worse than I have either already told myself or that I put myself through already.  This life is not about what I want, I want, I want it is about what I need, I need, I need.  For instance I am in the process of seeing multiple practitioners of various health related fields and I am the only one that can say whether I am benefiting from them or not, judging by how I feel and look.  I now have to decide if I want to wean off of a certain practitioner in lieu of another one, or do I split my time between them and try to reap the differed benefits they each can provide.  
  Does one give me more benefit for the cost of money and time I spend with them than the other person?  Since I have more loyalty and time with one versus a new person do I "owe" it to the one I have seen longer to obligatorily still keep seeing them despite not really wanting to?  Well, between the various masseuses, chiropractors, acupuncturist, nutritionist, physicians etc. I need to draw the line somewhere.  I decided that, until the new practitioner can prove to me they are more beneficial than the previous one of their kind, I am going to split my time and the cost between them to see who helps me make more progress.  I feel that I am glad to have options and those that can help me are only in my life to see me through the time that they have me scheduled for.  I am excited about the progress I have made in the last month since my surgery.  How time flies! 
  The massage and haircut I had today really helped me see how different practitioners are and how nice it is to have a compassionate and helpful person to work with.  I feel more "flow" through my body and can tell a difference immediately after and throughout the rest of the day.  I cannot go straight to workout directly after a massage.  I have done that before after an acupuncture appointment and I sprained both my ankles because my muscles were so relaxed and super stretchy I placed too much lateral forces on them while wearing shoes with no ankle support.  I learned that lesson and will not ever do that again!  I am going to hydrate and let the hydration take effect for a couple of hours before I even think of working out.  Stretching on the other hand, is what I am going to do for the next half hour.  The perfect time.  Too bad it is so cold on my floor and I have to bundle up just to stretch.  Massage is a special experience that I do not understand those in this life that have never had one can function without getting a good massage therapist.  I am glad to have discovered it and will happily incorporate massage into my life for as long as I live.  There is really no substitute for it.  Acupuncture is a whole other beast and that too I will not live without.  A dire necessity for keeping my body in prime running condition and correcting where I need it.  Have a great day with the wind curving through your hair if you are lucky.

These are the days of Anna Karenina's life

  What is currently happening in Anna Karenina is Levin's brother is dying.  Anna is struggling with keeping the attention of her lover Vronsky and missing her son so much she can taste it.  Kitty is adapting to married life with Levin and paving the way for how their marriage will be defined, as back in those days the stereotypes and properness of things mattered most to everyone.  Alexei is coping with his separation from Anna and has a new woman in his life that is helping him, but complicating his life further.  Anna's poor son is just trying to please his tutor, the butler and nanny-like female companion of his dad that told him that his mother, Anna, is dead.  These are difficult and confusing times.  There is so much to relate to in the quandaries of life all of these fictitious people are going through.  This story is demonstrating to me that life, no matter what time through the ages it is, focuses on personal relationships in relation to other people more than the secondary work that we do to pay the bills.  The scandal and gossip still emerge as what the latest news is about and the world news of war, illness and famine are secondary to those still.
  I am put off by the repetition the author demands of writing the full name or more confusingly the full nickname of people every time he mentions them by name.  It is always written with first and last name instead of first name alone.  As if there are characters with the same name and as if we will be confused somehow if he does not spell out their entire names.  This makes for a long winded book.  Also, the amount of politics in this book is astounding.  I thought I would be reading a lovely story of the complicated lives people lead in that time, but it turns out the premise of the book is heavily politically laden and there is no escaping it.  History to me can be bland and uninteresting to me.  Sprinkled in, it is fine, but long winded treaties about them really turn me off.  If I wanted a history book I would pick one up.  I now know that Tolstoy was very interested in the world view and the politics of the day.  The story of the people he uses as a means to an end to tell a historical tale more so than the other way around.  This is really a story of the people revolving around one woman within the particular historical times Tolstoy wanted to comment about.
  Someone commented about Anna Karenina the other day and how you do not want to end up like her. That spurred me to want to get to the end of this book already so I could accurately interpret their meaning and know what happens!   I got through only 15 pages before falling asleep last night.  It is enough to see changes in plot and what is happening and enough to keep my interest peaked to keep reading.  I smell coffee and hear eggs being made right now.  Mmm... I think I will go beg some from my husband now.  Adieu for now, the great curve ball in the sky.

Not much reading going on

  Well, I have been globe trotting this weekend and have not had a stable schedule to read much.  Lots of car time and on the go.  I have found that this undercurrent of excitement and happiness for potential in my life has infiltrated the back of my mind.  I am going through what I want and making that a priority.  I am contacting the people I want to talk to, I am enjoying meeting as many new people as I can, I am having fun at every given opportunity and fitting in TV/movies only when convenient.  The snow is not impeding my life, despite the -13 degrees we woke up to on Saturday.
  Girlfriends need girlfriends for happy mental health.  There is nothing like a good talk with your girlfriends.  I'm finding the girlfriend that is not open to others is in need of a therapist.  Women need an outlet that is not the men in their life.  I have a couple girlfriends that are in dire need, but will not open up to anyone.  I know everyone has to move at their own pace and through their own time will figure out  when they can cope enough to open up.  I can tell you from my own experience that finally opening up was the best thing that I could have done.  It took me a long time.  Too long, to open up to anyone, let alone girlfriends that could be a positive force in my life.  However, I had no idea that they would be positive until I opened up to them.  I had to take the risk in order to figure that out.  The best things in life are the risks we would otherwise not have taken.  The risk is worth it.  Just like life is worth it.  Really living life is to take risks.  The people in our life make or break our life.  Just like one bad apple, toxic person can ruin a team, so goes not wasting time with a negative person as a friend.  This includes family members.  Once I figured this out, I can keep a tab on my optimism by those surrounding me.
  Looking at life with rose colored glasses can sometimes make everything seem better without the world bending to your will to make it what you think you want it to be.  The unexpected that you do not know you would even like comes along and opens your eyes to new and exciting delights to amaze and become a potential ah ha moment.  I am a sunset person myself.  If I want to be amazed or ponder my existence.  The northern lights are out tonight.  If I want to ponder the awesome earth and universe that we live in and how small I am, this location in Michigan suits me just fine.  I am free to see that those little wants and desires I have and all that I can do is so small in this life that they could not really matter, but they do matter.  They matter to me.  That is really all that counts when it comes down to the day you do not get to go out into the world anymore.  Happiness with yourself.  Good night the sweet pitcher who is throwing me these curve balls through the air of my life.

New opportunity and excitement

  Whenever I look back on this past year, I see however difficult everything was that I went through, all of it brought me to where I am today.  I am now, finally, excited at the prospect of my future.  I could not have said that a month ago.  I think with new found happiness, hope and healing the new opportunities that are coming my way are that much more wonderful to me.  Today, I got offered a job.  I still have to go through classes and get a license, etc., but they liked me enough through the screening process to offer me a spot in their company!  I screamed and whooped after they called me and offered me a spot with them.  I really can't wait to get started, but the time will come soon enough when I will be knee deep in work and be running and gunning.  I am exhilarated more than words right now.  My body and mind are catching up with one another and the timing is great.  Thank you to all those that are supportive and positive for me and I hope you can continue to do so for I know the journey continues and there will be twists in any road ahead. Oh sweet anticipation.  Oh sweet happiness, that has been so elusive for so long.  Despite creating our own happiness, others can definitely contribute to it by lending us a hand or giving us a chance.  Thank you curve ball journey for making today an easy day.

Sleeping in

  As a kid I thought often about how great it would be if I could just sleep in every morning and not worry about waking up to rush off to start my day.  It used to be impossible to wake up sometimes with unconscious arms pushing the waker off or just not moving.  Now, since a perfect storm of circumstances has made it so that I am able to set my own schedule and daily routine, I find myself not able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and waking up later and later during the day.  I'm finding this schedule not to my liking, contrary to my little self that used to yearn for it.  I do not have a productive day when I wake up late and the day seems so much shorter.  Days that start late, end early and do not feel as full as they possibly can be.
  When I wake up in the morning at a "normal" time, I feel that the day is filled, productive and all the potential can be squeezed out of a 24 hour period.  Living life to the fullest is definitely something that I want to strive for every day.  It's amazing what a difference a few hours makes in the grand scheme of things.  That kid that just wanted to sleep and sleep and then stay up late at night was better off forcing herself to get up in the morning.  This lead to all the accomplishments I have achieved so far in life.  Without waking up bright-eyed in the morning, I would not be where I am today.
  I am not a coffee person, I do not need to watch the news or workout right when I get up.  I like to wake up, eat and head off to start my day as I am at my best shortly after I wake up.  I just want to start the day running.  What an exciting prospect of have such a unforgettable gift of a few more hours to live life without missing it because I am still sleeping.  What is difficult for me is my lightening fast reflexes that hits the snooze button after the first beep.  This means I can hit the snooze button too quickly to the point that 6 times that I have hit the button can go by and I will not realize that.  One hit equals 9 minutes!  That is a long time to keep sleeping and time that is lost.  I need my eight hours, but I can sleep for up to 14 hours sometimes.  Ridiculous!  My body has to be refreshed by now.  It is time to power up with exercise that exhausts me and to quiet my mind right before bed.  Ah, I can feel the success and fullness of my day coming already.
  Starting tonight, I am using my melatonin supplement with reading my book and heading off to dreamland about whatever this curve ball throws at me at a reasonable time.  Positive thoughts thank you.

The never ending to do list

  A couple of months ago I sat down and made a master to do list that was 6 years coming for some parts of it.  The list had over 100 things on it.  It ranged from small things, like buy bananas to big things, like completely cleaning the 6 years of cobwebs, sawdust and coal dust from every inch of our basement that who knew how long it would take to complete.  Within 2 months I completed all but 5 things on the list.  It was harrowing as I couldn't get much of it done in such a long time and then in a seemingly short period of time I accomplished a great deal.
  I felt such elation, such accomplishment, such a weight lifted off of my shoulders.  With that being said those 5 things loomed over me like a monster's shadow.  That shadow followed me every day and everywhere I went.  Today, another month later, I decided to keep an ongoing master to do list that I would then be able to look back and see all that I had accomplished and all that I had the potential to do.  Also, the big things that would take a long time to do would not seem so daunting if I broke them down into smaller steps.  Looking at the list those 5 things left over, now dwarfed by the other 50 things I just added behind them, it just seems that I can choose how I want to spend my time and otherwise not waste my time.  Always moving forward.  I can look back, but positively.
  It dawned on me that this list will never end and life is about choices and prioritizing and maximizing my time.  I am ready to take on whatever big step or challenge that comes my way.  I'm looking into the support that will catch me if I stumble or fall.  I cannot help but smile because every day is a gift, a triumph, another sunset to watch in awe and enjoyment.  I'm looking for more and more everyday.  I think when my days are filled without care of TV schedules or housework I can truly be head up and striding forward without hesitation.  I can actually look forward to what the curve ball will be coming at me tomorrow.
Goodnight sweet progress of that curve.  

Cold snowland adventure- snowshoeing

  Well, yesterday we got to go over to a couple's house for the afternoon and then dinner.  It was 9 degrees with -6 windchill from 25-35 MPH gusts of wind.  I thought for sure we would not be going outside.  The hardcore yoopers that they all are, we headed out to snowshoe on their property.  We were out with constant forward motion for an hour and a half.  It was biting wind on my face, but I actually warmed up enough to open my jacket because I got so warm.  I was red faced and felt like I had just skied a whole day on a mountain after we finished.  It was surprisingly refreshing while brisk.  I am sure glad that I did not make it to Curves beforehand.  That would have really kicked my butt.
  Dinner was a lasagna, corn casserole and a cherry cobbler dessert.  Good to relax and have dinner with friends that we are getting to know better.  Connectedness is the key to staving off worry and whatever else that ails you.  I was described as happy and healthy looking and after the last year I had, that is like a Christmas miracle.  I am finishing watching "The China Syndrome" and then off to read more of my Worry book before bed.
Hasta lluego until tomorrow.

What a start to a change looks like

  OK, so I didn't get up when I wanted to today, but today was very productive.  Today included events as lunch with a positive and sweet girl friend, massage, errands, organization at home and a workout at Curves.  I'm about 35 pages into the "Worry" book.  Loving every second of it.  It's like reading about myself, while discovering people's stories that are so similar to mine.  When you are alone, you feel the burden of your worry and it can take over.  Feeling real connectedness to other people really makes everything seem possible and solvable.  This means lots more lunches with friends and hobbies that lead to more connections through time.  I'm excited at the prospect of genuine connections and where that will lead as far as future job networking and fun outside of work.
  Planning an excursion to Arizona to play in the sun and visit family.  Truly wanted to go in February to break up the winter, but that is not going to happen, so April it is.  I long for the hiking, restaurants, playing in the sun and connecting with friends and family.  I'm so excited sometimes I think I'm just not going to be able to wait.
  No sewing projects started today.  Going to work on it tomorrow.  I'm starting into tax mode tonight with sorting the receipts and gathering data.  It will be the most complex taxes to be prepared to date.  Hope all goes well.  I may have to use an accountant this year rather than the old reliable Turbotax.  We will have to see.
  Went to a new masseuse today.  Very different and gratifying experience.  Sometimes it is hard for me to imagine a different way of doing something until I actually experience it.  Today demonstrated that I am open to new opportunities and will be happily surprised sometimes when having to put trust into a stranger.  How else do you meet new people without some form of a leap of faith?  Pleasantly looking forward to our next appointment.  I have a feeling deep tissue massage with cause some aching tomorrow, I needed it and it was worth it for sure.
  How time flies!  Where has this month gone?!  Too soon will the moment of truth come upon me and I must take that leap into the unknown.  Oh the anticipation, the thrill of the potential is amazing.  It's like Christmas or maybe more like a surprise party.  You know it's your birthday and there will be some sort of celebration, but then they spring on you this glamorous party on your behalf.  I hope it's like that anyway.
   Goodnight for now that curve ball that is my life.  Think light thoughts going to sleep.

The beginning of the journey, really just another roller coaster curve

2011
  Wow, what a great year this will be!  I'm so glad 2010 is over I cannot even believe that this is my chance to start anew in my own way.  I'm making plans and looking ahead for a change.  I'm going to be reading, hopefully in quick succession, a series of books that I want to share with others after I've gotten every tidbit I can from them.  I'm on a mission to start a new routine for my day and to write my goal lists to happily cross them off as I go.  I'm excited to go on this journey as its been such a long time coming.  I'm ready.  More prepared than ever before, I'm going out into the world to make something mine and then to share it as happily as I can.
  To start I just finished, "Searching for Paradise in Parker, PA" and "The Story of Edgar Sawtelle."
  As I'm living in the now I will not rehash these books, but I will say that I enjoyed them both for very different reasons and would recommend them.
I am now starting "Worry" by E. Hallowell, M.D. and am 2/3 the way through Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy.
  I have started sewing again.  So far I've done 4 different types of pillows and pillow cases in addition to various repairs and patches I've put off completing.  My next projects include more pillows, 4 purses and one queen sized quilt.  This will be a great learning experience for me and as I go I plan to update my progress.  I'm using "The Sewing Book" by Alison Smith and "The Sewing Bible" by Ruth Singer.  The projects are to increase in difficulty as I go along and the quilt will be the largest and most difficult sewing project I have ever attempted.  Whatever happens, success will be judged in completion only.  Time efficiency and quality will come with practice.
  In sticking with the theme of establishing a routine, it's time to go to bed soon.  That being said, I'll sign off now and come back when I have more to share.
 Goodnight my racing sphere of destiny, the curve ball ride of my life.