Christmas Eve

  Good visit with Rita and the Linna family today.  He slept through the visit, but it was nice to commiserate about baby stories.  Good times.  It is fun to see friends and family in a smaller, more relaxed setting.

Hah

     HAH

I know at this time my memory is short sided and I take this experience for granted.  I have waited so long for this experience and it is flying by dictated by his eating and sleeping schedule.  I just love him and wanted to reflect on how harrowing his experience was and how we came out the other side with an overall healthy baby.  He really makes a world of difference.  I cannot imagine a different outcome.  Watching The Undertaking on PBS about a Michigan undertaker's life, they buried a 24 month old child with a congenital syndrome.  I cannot imagine the nightmare of living through that.  I plan on my angel being around for longer than I am.  I just want to take care of him and come up with a plan to make that happen.

  Trying to eat dairy to get my fats for Adam's brain development was a mistake.  Immediately, within 2 days of eating dairy, I have thick mucous drainage from my sinuses and I have trouble clearing my throat.  My digestive system is also already effected.  I plan to switch tact and go with daily almond butter, almond milk, olive oil, avocado and the like.  This just means I need to go shopping for the right goods.  He's sleeping right now so I'm going to take advantage.  Time to hit the pillow.

A New Day

  After a frantic and erratic night yesterday night, last night was a complete change.  I cannot predict this child yet.  As long as I hold him, he will sleep.  He has a sensor that tells him when he's not being held and he wakes up screaming.  So crazy.  They must have that as a reflex.  I was able to get him to sleep well last night, but I cannot sleep while holding him.  He has done as well as he could to be calm last night.  I'll take holding him calmly all night rather than frantically unhappy any day.

  His babble and noises are progressing.  They are getting louder and more frequent.  It is amazing how fast they grow.  He loves listening to and looking at his daddy as he does not get to see him as often.  He is a pro at kicking off his blankets now.  He does not cry because he is cold after the fact, but I lose sleep over it.  He needs to be warm in this cold winter.  It is swing time.  Hopefully more sleep in his bed and more for me too.  He sounds like he is working on filling his diaper.  Time to rescue him before I need to give him a bath.

Night Owl

Rough night

  Last night was a particularly rough night.  I was up with Adam from 10:30 PM until 11:30 AM this morning.  I ended up getting an on and off 3 hours of sleep again.  When truly exhausted it was not safe to walk anymore.  I just sat and tended to him until I finally got him to nod off.  Eating every 1.5-2  hrs with diaper changes in between as he was alert and wanted to play otherwise.  There was no swing lullaby last night.  When I finally slept, I still had to get up to tend to him.

  Lack of sleep really messes with my memory and ability to function.  I cannot sit down and concentrate to read anything.  I slump while sitting.  I forget where I put something or did something.  I write notes of to-do, but I have done nothing on the list.  I am on a subsistence existence right now.  Eat, sleep, laundry, shower, and brush teeth.  I have no energy to exercise let alone go out into public.  I want to visit with people, but while sleep is so elusive, I cannot make it happen.  I think when Tony gets home, oh, I'll just lay down for an hour and get up to go out.  Then he lets me sleep and I sleep until Adam needs to eat.  Then we miss out on whatever function we were to attend.

  He has taken to rolling during diaper changes.  He loves tummy time and was on the move today.  He is on the verge, but I know it will still take time.  He is a seemingly restless sleeper who makes noises, raspberries, trumpeting and is moving his arms and legs squirming with his eyes closed.  He is not getting enough lipids in his diet and I am working on getting him more in his diet.  I now respond to his crying as a reflex.  He kicks off his blanket if he falls asleep in his swing and wakes up wanting attention.  He loves looking at paintings and mirrors.  He now engages us with is eyes.  He wakes up to Tony's voice, inconvenient if I just got him to sleep.  He stares at me when I eat, just studying what I am doing.  He responds to the hair dryer sound and listens to music while awake.  He loves to be held to sleep, but not so much when awake. He wants to play and have to freedom of movement rather than being held while awake.

  I woke from a dream and did not know where I was, what job I do, if I had a family let alone that I just had a baby.  I now lay down my head and once warm, in about 5 minutes, I am sleeping hard.  I now wake after 2-3 hours.  I do not sleep longer than that and I wake up on my own.  My internal clock is already accustomed to Adam's schedule.  I wish he let me sleep when he did.  He does not have to scream when he needs his diaper changed when sleeping every time.  He will just start fussing and I know if I do not reach him and change him while his eyes are closed in time, he will give me a full body awakening frantic scream.  It is best to be pre-emptive and try to read his cues than wait until he is fully awake.  Duty calls, gotta go.

The Magic Number 3

  I got 3 hours sleep last night before "waking up" and celebrating Christmas.  Today I got 3 hours sleep as well.  Now, Adam is usually wide awake is fussing and needs to be held.  He will not let me lay him down, but will not stay happily in my arms either.  I think he was too stimulated today and is exhausted, it is my only guess.  He slept for a long time today, 4 hours straight during dinner time.  Unfortunately, this is the time I decided to eat dinner, shower, call people for Christmas, etc. I did not get to take advantage of this fluke event.  Oh well.

  It was a good Christmas, some snow on the ground.  Tomorrow is supposed to be 39 degrees.  That will be odd.  I plan on avoiding after Christmas sales, despite wanting discount Christmas cards.  I remember going to Kmart after sales and getting cards 75-90% off.  That was great.  The good ol' days.  I wish I could go shopping, but I cannot afford it anyway.  Why waste my time.

Cousins: Lizzie

Christmas Adam

At Grandparents house for Christmas

First Night Out On The Town

  Tonight, Adam got to go to dinner with friends outside the house.  We all went to Carmelitas with some old high school friends of Tony's.  He liked the road trip there.  We ended up spending 25 minutes in the bathroom for a diaper change, feeding, spitting up and clothing change.  He was happy to look around and hang out for a while, then became hyper because he was too hyper-stimulated.  He liked the car ride home and then had to eat again before taking a cat nap.  What a sweet boy.

  It was nice to talk to someone who is newly pregnant fresh after my experiencing it.  I can totally relate.  I have little in the way of recommendations because everyone's preferences are so different, but I can commiserate none-the-less.  It was just enough to tucker him out.  He's actually sleeping right now, which is unusual.  I'm going to lay down too.  We have plans for more visiting today.  Hopefully his schedule will cooperate.

  He has such restless/movement filled sleep it is hard to tell if he's really sleeping sometimes.  He has changed so much over the last few weeks.  Amazing how alert and how much attention he pays to us now.  He seeks us out with is eyes and cues into our voices.  He loves to look at lights and colorful objects, like paintings.  He has done alright if burped after each feeding so his gastric reflux is not that bad at this point.  He really is a light in my life.  He was meant to be our son.  He is so much of a Sarazin looking boy that he must contribute to the family in some way in the future.  A great boy to follow behind the great men he resembles.

He just got the puppies to use today for comfort on his sensitive skin. Sweetie

Nice coverage when it is 19 degrees out. Cozy warm

  My sister may book tickets to come and visit!  We are so close to getting her here (big smile).  That would be so great.  She could cook, clean, feed him, play with him and experience the copper country a little bit.  So fun!  Fingers crossed again.  Tomorrow we are meeting family and friends to hang out and then it is Christmas Eve!  I'm glad I got my presents wrapped last night in his marathon awake time.  Sweet dreams all!

  So I slept on and off all day long as he was bright eyed and bushy tailed all night long.  We did get a prescription cream to apply for his rash, which I applied all over him and he did not mind one bit.  What a trooper.  He smiled at me while awake for the first time last night.  So precious.  He was so awake and ready to play.  He is thrashing about with arms and legs flailing, getting ready to be on the move in the near future.  He only fits 3-6 month clothes now, so he feels he's grown up enough to make decisions, i.e. the picture.  He is so sweet.  I am glad I got some sleep.  Now I can get the paperwork done I was supposed to, wrap presents and clean tonight.  I know he will be up all night again, so I might as well prepare.

  I look forward to seeing a bunch of friends and family that are in town for Christmas.  I hope none of us get sick.  Adam responded very well to the cream and his rash is diminished today.  I am hoping using different detergent, avoiding eating chocolate, oranges, peanuts, strawberries, dairy and eggs and using the cream for 1 week will clear him right up.  He is trying to talk and coos all the time.  I love when he responds to me when I am talking to him like he is answering me.  Love it.  He still wakes out of a dead sleep and screams when he is ready to be attended to, but that is his mode of communication and it is cute despite the blood curdle to it.

  I cannot believe it is Christmas this weekend.  I am so unprepared.  I have not gone grocery shopping, not shopped at all really.  It does not feel right.  I know it will be a blur.  He is so set on his schedule I cannot imagine what it will be like to try to get him over to the in-laws house for a day of hanging out.  I am going to have to just cover with a blanket to feed him otherwise we might as well just go home because he will be eating or sleeping for the whole day.Not much in the way of presents this year.  I was hoping to go without completely, but sparse is a good start to just enjoying the season without presents.  I am so thankful for this baby Adam.  I look forward to having the energy and time to exercise.  I think my body will really appreciate it.

  Time to eat dinner as Adam is enjoying the swing right now.  Love that he is big enough to enjoy it.  I cannot believe just 2 weeks ago he was too small and now he's a whopper thick boy.  What a sweetie.  Love my guys!  Merry Christmas.  I dream of walking around and looking at everyone's Christmas lights in Arizona.  I should make my sister go and live vicariously through her.  Hah.  Maybe she can take some pictures for me.  Nice.

Poor Guy

  The Dr said he likely has contact dermatitis and an allergy (eggs?).  Also likely gastric reflux. He would not sleep without being held today. He might be getting sick.  He smells so good, like heaven.  He was up all night and slept all day again, but we had appointments to attend so no sleep for me.  I just ate dinner and he is due to eat soon.

  I have to wrap presents, to clean and take recyclables back. Not sure that will get done.  Cards are all done though. I went to the Atlas Center Chiropractic to see if they can help me feel better. I am pretty racked up. Adam weighs 12 lbs. 7 oz. today. He has 2-3 big diapers a day since Dec. 10th when he did not go for 24 hours.  Now I know he gained 2 lbs. in 2 weeks, I would call that a growth spurt. Big boy is so sweet.  Tomorrow is paperwork day. hope to get it done, fingers crossed!

He sleeps despite the daylight falling on him.

Ugh

  The beeping was a fire alarm battery dying in the attic.  Not the usual just one beep but multiple beeps that threw me off.  At least we figured it out.  I thought I was going crazy.

  Ugh, I've gotten 2 hrs and 3 hrs of sleep respectively the last 2 days.  I can only sleep for 20-30 min

and he wakes for something or is wide awake and wants to be entertained.  He just had a poopsplosion

that I had to give him a bath for.  It was everywhere in the diaper.  Whew.  Good thing he loves baths.

I'm going to lay down right now.  Adam has a Dr. appt in the morning for the rash that is covering 2/3

of his body.  Tony's dad says it could be fungal or allergic.  The test for fungal is ~3 weeks and allergic

is very difficult to determine.  I'm avoiding certain foods and washing all clothes, even mine, in dreft.

Poor guy.  The rash doesn't seem to bother him, but it has worsened through time.  He's also developed

an asthmatic sounding dry, unproductive cough the last week too.  To me it has to be allergy to something,

problem is, some of his clothes were from garage sales and I do not know what detergent or allergens

(like cats) were in their homes.  Someone's hungry again.  

Alarm

  I just heard some sort of alarm wake me up out of a dead sleep.  It stopped going off so I waited for it to go off again to see if I was dreaming.  It went off again, but I could not pinpoint if it was upstairs or downstairs.  Now I'm wasting my potential sleeping time waiting for it to go off again to see if it is the carbon monoxide alarm or something else.  I cannot imagine an alarm that goes off then stops.  If it does not go off in the next 20 min, I'm going back upstairs to listen for it up there.

  Poor Adam and his rash.  Should I take him into the doctor again?  Even after she said it is a benign rash already?  It has spread and worsened again.  He does not seem bothered by it, but it looks terrible and has to be stressing his body and immune system.  If it is caused by an allergy, how do I tell what is causing it?  Food allergy?  Contact dermatitis? Ugh.  I know everyone wants to say, "Oh, it's alright.  Babies just get that sometimes." but this is freaking me out.  I have no way to treat it or distinguish if it is an allergy.  There are too many variables (eggs, nuts, dairy, laundry detergents, mold, dust, dry air, pollen, strawberries, formula, etc.). I wish I could help him.  He has a dry cough that just started today also.  It freaked me out as it sounded like he couldn't breath and he went on coughing for a while.  I gave him something to drink right away for him to swallow, but I do not know where that came from either?  Hmm...

  Good office party last night, all considered.  Friendly as can be and not confrontational, emotional or uncomfortable.  I am in such a better place with those people.  Whether they know it or not, I am better that I ever was before.  I now just have other focus and perspective in life.  I am not eating or drinking enough and an all appetizer party really does not help anything.  I am trying some organic milk maid tea my acupuncturist graciously dropped off for me.  What a sweet woman and gift.  I hope it works.

  I am not in the Christmas mood this year at all!  It is only days away and I have bought a sum total of zero presents for anyone in my family.  I am going sparse this year as the medical bills roll in.  I am so tired and off of my brain capacity that I cannot focus to get things done.  I just want to enjoy my baby and not have to worry about other obligations.  I hope he does not get sick from anything he was exposed to tonight.  That would be worse.
 
  I am to look for plane tickets for my sister to visit next month.  It would be great if she can, but I'm not holding my breath because her plans change more often than my Facebook status changes.  It would be great to see her.  She loves babies.  She could help clean, cook and babysit.  We have a spare room that can be cleared out, but I won't waste  my time clearing it out until she is committed because I have bigger fish to fry.  That would be fun.

  No alarm yet.  I'm heading upstairs to see if it goes off again.  My low back  hurts so bad from changing Adam and picking him up from the pack n play, I need to make other arrangements.  I will call my acupuncturist tomorrow to see when I can get treated, but likely it will be the end of January at the earliest to get an appt.  Fingers crossed.  G'night (I hope).

Swing Fun

  He fell asleep in the swing for the first time last night!  So precious and so wonderful he could be calmed and happy.  He is heavier now and weighs down the swing so it does not go too fast anymore.  He looks big in it, but they specs say up to 25 lbs.  I do not feel I can leave him in there for long go to sleep myself while he is swinging, but while I am awake I can at least eat hands free.  I see this being great for our future.  Yay.

  We watched the Nutcracker on PBS last night live from Lincoln center in New York City.  Tony looked up tickets.  The cheapest, on a Wednesday night, were ~$300.  The prime seats were $942.  We got to watch it live without flying there, getting a hotel, traveling in the cold, sitting with the public, risking bed bugs and illness.  We were warm, at home, together, not having to dress up and still got to enjoy a ballet that we love.  I especially love the costumes.  Of course the ballerinas were superb as they are in the biggest city there is for culture.  I enjoyed it.  The ballet was re-aired later in the night so I got a repeat opportunity to enjoy it again.  Sweet. I miss going to the Nutcracker in Detroit when Tony and I were dating.  It was so much fun.

  What a yucky rainy day.  I do not know if the streets are slick out there, but they do not look good from in here.  Happy to be warm and dry.  Uh, oh.  Duty calls.

New Day

  He fell asleep in the swing for the first time today!  He's been nodding off and waking in it for the past 45 minutes.  He looks so peaceful!

From Today

  He filled his diaper without any intervention today!! I hope this continues or improves more than how it is now.  I want a happy guy.  I think he must be going through a growth spurt as he's ravenous often and has wet diapers frequently.  I have not weighed him so I am not sure.  His baby acne or rash has worsened to cover 75% of his head, the back of his neck, 1/4 of his front torso including his shoulders, 2/3 of his upper arms, more spaced out the entirety of his back, on his eye lids, and ear lobes.  Poor guy doesn't seem to mind it.  We bathe him and do not try to dry out his skin or over-heat him.  I am constantly taking his temperature to see if he's hot and he has only been hot 2 times.  I do not know.  We are trying to keep him in cotton, though those fleece sleep sacks are so convenient and warm.  I just love them.  He had the rash before I started using the sleep sacks though.  The severity of the rash changes daily.  His face improved today and I saw on his back, during tummy time today, that it had worsened.  Time will tell.

  He has been waking to eat every 1.5 - 2 hrs every night. The rocker recliner is luckily pretty comfy to sleep in and I get the bed when Tony is at work.  Time flies during the day!  I finally put away the laundry and now we start the cycle over again.  Such a sweet boy.  He really pays attention to Tony when he is home.  He watches him and likes to snuggle.

I wonder what he's thinking?!

It Worked

  A tip that we used worked to fill his diaper, amazingly a lot, twice yesterday. Now he's working toward being regular again, but without knowing the cause, I'm not sure what will happen. He seems happy and hungry enough. No shortage of liquids or eating though.  Sleeping in 2-3 hr intervals and has needed to be held or entertained at all times while awake. Good thing he's so sweet.

  Caught an episode of 1 Born Every Minute on Lifetime and I feel it is too soon.  I am too emotional to watch. Everything is still so raw.  Even with this sweet boy in my arms.  I'll never forget.

  We took our Christmas card picture last night.  It gave me forced perspective. Adam looks so big while I hold him but he is so tiny in pictures with us holding him.  The one hour photo was broken when Tony went to pick up our prints. I hope it is fixed today, but who knows.  It is a delayed Christmas this year, and so it goes.

Tony & Adam, my guys

  Love the sneaker sox!

No Fun

  Poor guy is grunting, straining, red in the face and crying with only noise and sound as a result.  He may be going through a growth spurt, but going from every diaper change to none for 7 diaper changes since yesterday at 10 PM until 4 PM now without anything but a speck is upsetting.  He has been spitting up also, 7 times 2 days ago, 4 times yesterday and none yet today.  Only one "bigger" spit up.   Mostly it is just a mouthful amount.  Something has changed for sure.  If it is a growth spurt I wonder how long something like this lasts.  It could be too much formula, but he has only had 2.5 x 2 oz bottles in the last 24 hours.  Is it because I was dehydrated yesterday and that dehydrated him?  Ugh.

  On a positive note, he smiled while awake for the first time today.  I was sleeping :( but Tony got to see it.  We opened up all the shades to indicate that it is daytime right now.  He was awake for quite a while today.  Maybe he will sleep longer now.  I spent the night in the rocker recliner holding him, etc.  I slept in 20 minute intervals which was not as fun as the hours together I had yesterday.  I again went 14 hours without food and only a small amount of water.

  Cleaning and drying the clothes is the easy part.  It is the taking them from downstairs and putting them away is the hard part.  Tony made some great smelling peanut butter oatmeal cookies, but I am avoiding peanuts for the allergen potential.  The vibrating chair Adam actually liked sitting in it while Tony rocked him and looked at him.  He does not like it when I try getting him to sit in it.  Ah, the magic of dad versus mom.  He's not happily sleeping fetal position style on dad.  That position has to cause his legs to go numb and to slow bowel movements because he is so compacted because as soon as he is straightened out he calms down if riled up out of a dead sleep.

Adam 1 Month old

  We should take our Christmas family picture today.  We will see.

Things That Are True Today

1 Month old Adam

  Things that are true:

Adam gazing at the Christmas tree lights, he loves it

• Love fleece sleep sacks for the winter
• I am willing to compromise my "plan" for comfort and sleep
• Pampers are better than Huggies
• When I get sleep my memory works much better
• Stretching is vital to life
• There are many things I do not miss about life before being a mom, that said, I know things will change with time
• I love Christmas lights, I love watching Adam gaze at Christmas lights more than doing so by myself
• I miss quality time with my husband
• This winter is going to fly by, Adam is already 1 month old!  I feel like it's been a lifetime in a few weeks
• I prefer sleep over eating
• I want Adam to sleep longer, but I do not want him to grow up so fast
• I cannot wait to take Adam for walks along Portage canal and Lake Superior
• I miss singing Christmas carols walking along the streets of Tucson
• I miss seeing the Christmas lights displays in Tucson
• I miss my family
• My blood pressure is getting better, but is not "normal" for me yet
• Tony is a life saver, he let me sleep for 6 hours today.  That said, I had not eaten in 19 hours and the last food I had was cake.  I woke up with low blood sugar and was very dehydrated.  I could barely stand up and was very dizzy.  I will not do that again.
• Most everything can wait.
• Bills will not pay themselves
• I love taking pictures.
• I love taking our posed Christmas picture every year.
• A Medela pump is a God send
• I miss Adam when I sleep
• I just want to squeeze Adam, but I have to wait until he gets bigger to do so
• Adam is so precious
• Being a mom is more than words can express
• I am going to the "office" Christmas party this year (scrw um)
• I am not leaving this house this winter unless I have to, I am content being a home body
• I do not want Adam to get sick with a cold or the flu this winter
• I want to take our family to the Harry Potter theme park someday
• I want to check if Adam is breathing all the time, but I can let him sleep in the other room with a monitor without getting up and checking him all the time
• I love walking along the beach, finding beach glass and skipping stones
• Adam looks so big when I am holding him in my arms, but so Tiny when someone else is holding him
• I have lost 75% of the weight I gained for pregnancy and I know the last bit will be the dickens to get off of me
• My scar is itchy, numb and painful at various times and all at once
• No one should go through parenthood alone
• Fiber is a girl's best friend after a C-section (prune juice & bananas)
• I love my new Canon camera!  I highly recommend it
• The Happiest Baby on the Block CD works like a charm!  LOVE it
• Adam likes fleece blankets because when you lay them on him they are not cold and do not take time to warm up like cotton
• I cannot remember the last movie I saw in the theatre
• The cover for a car seat is vital and cannot be without one in a cold winter area
• I was so tired 3 nights ago I cried in frustration and exhaustion- every time I would lay down and get the covers on me he would cry for frustration, diaper change or hungry
• There is no excuse for not brushing & flossing, no matter how tired you are, if I can do it, so can you, it takes 3-5 min tops. Anyone can spare that amount of time.  Just lay the brush & floss near where you sleep so you can grab it from a laying position.  You can brush without toothpaste and it will still be beneficial to your teeth.
• My ribs are hurting and my thoracic outlet and carpal tunnel symptoms are progressively worsening with the posture of feeding Adam, rocking Adam and carrying him around
• Poor guy cries for bowel movements and gas
• His skin is peeling from his scalp and he has baby acne/something toxemia rash on his face, scalp, eye lids, shoulders, stomach, chest, upper arms and ears.

Tony Is Great

 Adam was up from 11 PM until 7 AM last night. I got to sleep some today because Tony watched him.   Without him I am going to be unable to get a break tomorrow. He is such a life saver, but it makes for little quality time together. It will not be forever. It is hard to enjoy this time with this little guy. Tony is every bit the father I knew he would be. So great to see.

  Tony made turkey meatloaf today. This after his great stir fry yesterday. Adam is snuggling with me right now. He will wake for his diaper any minute. Such a warm snuggly bundle. He is getting bigger already. Cannot wait to see how big he is when we go to the doctor's appointment.  He is due for a bath so that is next tonight.

  I have not finished my Christmas cards yet. Lots to go, so many people to thank. So many thoughtful people. So much love. I am so thankful for so many to be thinking of us. Tony and I are doing a minimal gift Christmas as Adam is our gift this year and the medical bills started rolling in already.  I would prefer Adam to any other gift anyway.  Anything else I want is really just a better life for our family and to see more of my family.

  I want to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, but that will be unlikely. In due time. It is snowing big soft slow falling flakes out.  Like in the movies, all the surfaces we can see are coated.  It is beautiful.  I will drive out into it in 2 days.  Soon enough.  Someone plowed us out.  Very sweet of whomever that was.  Time to take his picture again. Everyday. (Smile)

Mqt NICU website 11-20-11

So Precious

  I sat for 2 hours straight with Adam sleeping on me today.  Just one of many stints where he slept on me really, but it just makes me take a minute and appreciate how my life has changed in the last month.  Adam is so precious and he is everything that I thought he would be.  He is so sweet and so wonderful.  I think he was the baby we were meant to have.  This particular boy was meant to be in our lives after all that we went through to welcome him into our lives.  The journey was not exactly anything to do with being "worth it" as I hold every event separate rather than being a culmination.  The whole process or journey is ongoing in the roller coaster that is my life.  I know it is a continuum and the ultimate ending is the end of my life.  I want to spend my life having as much happiness as I have when holding my baby while he is alertly awake just staring around and making oh shapes with his lips.

  I am beside myself happy with my baby.  I know there will be days that I do not like my baby, like when he's inconsolable and I have had only 2 hours of sleep in 2 days or when he is a teenager and he accidentally stays out past curfew driving to Green Bay with his girlfriend and denting the car without telling me, but I will always love him.  He has this purity in his eyes like his dad does.  I hope his life takes the lucky path that Tony's does, except better.  He can be whatever he wants in life and I will have to accept that.

  He already has a mind of his own and I respect that.  The wonder in his eyes and his heart.  I want to foster his imagination and nurture his successes and confidence.  I want to see him through failure and mistakes to pick himself back up and learn from them, move forward.  I can only do the best with what I have and I will instill in him that no one is perfect, life is not perfect, but life and love can still be good.  Sacrifices for our children, they will never appreciate or understand.  They are not debts to be paid in the future by the child.  They are something you do expecting nothing in return.  Love and respect is earned, not a given.

  His cooing, his crying, anything that give him a voice is music to my ears.  I have waited a long time to hear anything he has to say.  I cannot wait until he can tell stories and say my name.  Duty calls right now...