Well, it went like this. I, of course, started my time of the month. I was hormonal and already moody. I went ahead and threw myself my own pity party with table for only one, that was me. The straw that broke the camel's back was actually more than one thing, but it does not really matter. What does matter is I just gave into a good cry that I have not had for a long time. I had excess energy to burn and I went outside at 10:30 last night and started making snow balls out of the well carved snow that was right outside our back door, on the back side of our house. It was warm enough that my wet face did not freeze, but cold enough that after about a half an hour my fingers started to get cold. I probably made about 40-50 snowballs. I would wad them up and throw them as hard as I could toward the fence and the back yard's direction. Half of them disintegrated mid-air, before they even had the chance to hit the fence or the snow on the ground. It did not matter to me though. The act of making the snowball and then, with all the force I could muster without falling over, throwing snowball after snowball just made me feel better. I have not been able to throw anything for years now. Either due to not wanting to hurt myself not to end my career, which happened anyway, or for avoidance of my numbness and weakness symptoms triggered by my thoracic outlet syndrome when my arms go anywhere near or above perpendicular to my body. So much for that effort.
I miss playing softball so badly it hurts sometimes. I know I cannot play anymore, but the passion and fun I had just playing made my life that much happier without my previously knowing it. Some nights I dream and dream about playing. It is amazing how vivid my dreams are sometimes, like it actually happened to me. I would wake sometimes and feel tired as if I was actually playing softball all night long just like in my dream. What a great go-to stress reliever I used to have. The friendships, the team effort, the smell of the dirt, the sweat running down my forehead, the feel of the glove in my hand, the ping of the bat making contact with the ball, throwing the runner out, touching and passing home base for the score and the win. Ah, how my time in the sun or under the lights thrilled and delighted me like no other experience can. I was not the best on the team, but I appreciated it all the more than they did. I was just happy to be there and to have enough talent to get me by. I did savor those days, not knowing they would not be in my future. I never considered softball would not be a part of my life when I was younger. It never even occurred to me. Now that it's gone, I dare say it's like losing a best friend and mourning for the rest of my life. Never forgetting, just reminiscing and re-playing the good times in my head. That is the place I wanted to get to in my head last night when I was in such a dark place.
Yesterday is over, and today is another day. I feel better today and removed from those feelings I had last night. I woke up all puffy and swollen which is not becoming on me in the least. I was so dehydrated and swollen I could not get enough to drink today. I am still puffy even now, but I am certain it will be gone by tomorrow and no one will have noticed anyway. I am going to keep my own firework in the sky and keep looking at the "bright side" toward how today is good and tomorrow can be better. Those sad days that just sneak up on me, I am sure, will get fewer and fewer and will not blind side me so easily through time. Tonight is a good night for a drink or two with friends and to go to bed early for the rest I so sorely need. Cheers to you, my big curve ball of a life. Cheers.
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